It's the most basic ingredient in a marriage. And yet if love isn't 'true', it can spell doom for a marriage.
Love (Ishq )
A marriage sans love - is that even conceivable? Before you blurt out your almost predictable answer - 'Of course not!' - hold on a minute... not all couples who enter into arranged marriages 'love' each other in every sense of the word.
Quite the contrary. Most often, such would-be partners know of and appreciate a few character traits and the appearance of their potential spouse, and liking what they see (and know) they feel emboldened to take the plunge. Marriages sans 'Ishq '
So - in a sense, the gushing, over-exuberant kind of love is often conspicuous by its absence from arranged marriages. Even so, many such unions last a lifetime, perhaps because the partners enter into it with limited expectations from each other!
On the other hand, love marriages often fizzle out if the undying love partners profess for each other isn't true love. In other words, there is love... but not the kind that can sustain a marriage.
Reena and Suresh, met and fell head over heels in love with each other while supervising juniors on the floor of their BPO!
Situational love
At the time, they both worked a night-shift. Invariably, coffee breaks at regular intervals during the night and traveling back home at the break of dawn worked their magic on this good-looking twosome.
Now even though office romances are usually frowned upon in the corporate world, since Reena and Suresh had impeccable records and came clean with their feelings for each other, the company agreed to let them continue in their jobs with the proviso that they agreed to work different shifts in future. In other words, the company didn't want to encourage them to continue to mix romance with office work!
At the time, this hardly seemed a problem. They were ecstatic about being allowed to continue with their jobs post-marriage. The high lasted well into their first few months together. It was round about the fourth month of their marriage that cracks in their togetherness made an appearance.
Love - the foundation of any marriage
'Issues' - such as who gets to work when, the sharing of chores, spending time together (now only possible at week-ends), and so on became reasons to row. Worse still, inspite of the bickering, the issues were not resolved but carried forward.
Soon enough, 'issues' dominated their every conversation. To the point that it appeared to Reena and Suresh that the love they shared had evaporated, in the face of the pressures of everyday living. Full to the brim with negative vibes for each other, the two decided to opt out of their union stating irreconcilable differences.
They thought that they had entered into marriage too soon, without thinking through the little aspects of everyday living so as to ensure that they were wholly compatible.
However much they believed in this being the reason for their marriage to fail, is it true that not talking over things enough was cause for the sorry state of affairs they found themselves in? ...And the basis of love, what should that be?
In truth, while a couple should talk over some major matters that are likely to come up in the course of their married life - such as desiring children, career expectation and the like - it is impossible to predict and go over every potential 'issue' in advance.
In fact, that is neither what love nor a marriage is about. While love is undoubtedly the foundation of marriage, what is the basis of love?
Given the selfish age we live in, it is unlikely for a couple to love each other unconditionally. Nevertheless, love does imply a desire to be with a person and hence, require an inherent willingness to accept each others faults and adjust to circumstances.
Now apply this to Reena and Suresh - what they thought was love, was more their enjoyment or love for the romantic situation they found themselves in. This weaker sibling of true love often comes across as love in the first instance, but is way too weak to sustain a marriage as it fades with time. So as Reena and Suresh realised, once their 'love' had taken the backseat, their minds closed to potential solutions to issues that had cropped up in their marriage - such as switching firms so as to both be in a day job or whatever. Let's just say that no thanks to their solely fun-based perception of love, their egos became overly fragile when faced with marital teething problems!
So you see - true love is a pre-requisite for marriage, anything less signals the end of the road for married partners.
Sunday 27 February 2011
Do Your Funny Bones Match?
Do Your Funny Bones Match?
Rule of thumb - Don't make fun of your beau
You may never have thought of it, but it's important for couples to share a sense of humour.
Most people relate 'humour' to 'funny'. So anything humorous becomes a funny issue. Never something sad.
However, in Sheena's case, misplaced humour turned out to be the cause for her broken engagement.
When humour caused disaster...
The whole idea of her sense of humour being the leading reason for her ex-fiancée Vinod to break up with her came across as so incredulous that it took a long time to sink in.
Sitting sobbing by the side of her best friend, she shared her story in an attempt to make sense of the sorry turn of events - ''When we sat with a counsellor,'' she said ''Vinod almost spewed fire. He spoke of how sarky I was and said I had no consideration for his feelings. I can't believe this is the same guy who proposed to me so lovingly just eight months ago.''
Sheena thought Vinod had no funny bone and was just not appreciative of her witty humour and attempts to lighten things up.
Do you understand the meaning of humour?
''He's too serious'' she lamented.
Was Sheena right, or has she misunderstood the very essence of the word 'humour' and more, the role it plays in our lives?
Her friend thought so, and tried to point out where she believed Sheena had gone wrong. ''Humour, my dear, doesn't mean funny. It actually means a 'state of mind' or 'inclination'. Apply that to funny and it means that we all have our own perception of what we think is laughable. So - while your approach to humour is to mock whatever you think is beneath you, Vinod prefers more innocent slapstick humour directed at none in particular'' she explained.
"That's not all. You are in your mid-thirties, very much a woman of the world, financially independent, socially secure and confident of your looks. Your success has made you somewhat sarcastic when you comment on laggards in either the work sphere, or those with a poor fashion sense or in their body shape or whatever. And since these comments form the bulk of the jokes you make, and Vinod is not doing as well as you are, he grew to feel intimidated by you" she added.
Rule of thumb - Don't make fun of your beau
"But I've never thought of Vinod as a loser. He is doing well for himself. And my jokes are clever - all my friends say so," interjected Sheena.
"True. Yet he began wondering what would happen ten years down the line, if the gap between your success and his grew still further. He'd be the constant butt of your jokes. And as for your jokes, they may be witty, but they also border on being sarky. It's just that unlike family members or would-be family, your close friends never feel any pressure to compete with you. But Vinod probably threw his hands up because he realized he had let himself in for a lifetime of subjugation," opined her friend.
Humour your man/woman
As Sheena introspected over the next few weeks, she realized this was true. She was over-confident and probably, had not realized that Vinod was overly sensitive. She wished that he had cautioned her, or even told her to lay off making fun of him, but as her friend pointed out - "Humour also means to 'indulge someone'. When you are in a relationship, this means understanding what gives each other happiness and offering that. It doesn't mean to make fun of your partner. This may sound hurtful, but you probably did the opposite of that and scared away Vinod."
Although Sheena rued her misjudgement of the situation, she appreciated the need for a couple to share a sense of humour all the more. "My jokes must have really put off Vinod," she mused. "Vinod is a kindly soul, slower than me but more loving. More the Tom & Jerry or Charlie Chaplin humour kind!"
In other words, Sheena had learnt a valuable lesson - not to laugh at anyone else's expense, as this may be hurtful to the target. In her case, it cost her, her fiancée and caused her a lot of heartache.
Nevertheless, her never-say-die attitude has made her thankful to have understood where she went wrong. "Next time, I'll be more considerate of my partner," she says
Rule of thumb - Don't make fun of your beau
You may never have thought of it, but it's important for couples to share a sense of humour.
Most people relate 'humour' to 'funny'. So anything humorous becomes a funny issue. Never something sad.
However, in Sheena's case, misplaced humour turned out to be the cause for her broken engagement.
When humour caused disaster...
The whole idea of her sense of humour being the leading reason for her ex-fiancée Vinod to break up with her came across as so incredulous that it took a long time to sink in.
Sitting sobbing by the side of her best friend, she shared her story in an attempt to make sense of the sorry turn of events - ''When we sat with a counsellor,'' she said ''Vinod almost spewed fire. He spoke of how sarky I was and said I had no consideration for his feelings. I can't believe this is the same guy who proposed to me so lovingly just eight months ago.''
Sheena thought Vinod had no funny bone and was just not appreciative of her witty humour and attempts to lighten things up.
Do you understand the meaning of humour?
''He's too serious'' she lamented.
Was Sheena right, or has she misunderstood the very essence of the word 'humour' and more, the role it plays in our lives?
Her friend thought so, and tried to point out where she believed Sheena had gone wrong. ''Humour, my dear, doesn't mean funny. It actually means a 'state of mind' or 'inclination'. Apply that to funny and it means that we all have our own perception of what we think is laughable. So - while your approach to humour is to mock whatever you think is beneath you, Vinod prefers more innocent slapstick humour directed at none in particular'' she explained.
"That's not all. You are in your mid-thirties, very much a woman of the world, financially independent, socially secure and confident of your looks. Your success has made you somewhat sarcastic when you comment on laggards in either the work sphere, or those with a poor fashion sense or in their body shape or whatever. And since these comments form the bulk of the jokes you make, and Vinod is not doing as well as you are, he grew to feel intimidated by you" she added.
Rule of thumb - Don't make fun of your beau
"But I've never thought of Vinod as a loser. He is doing well for himself. And my jokes are clever - all my friends say so," interjected Sheena.
"True. Yet he began wondering what would happen ten years down the line, if the gap between your success and his grew still further. He'd be the constant butt of your jokes. And as for your jokes, they may be witty, but they also border on being sarky. It's just that unlike family members or would-be family, your close friends never feel any pressure to compete with you. But Vinod probably threw his hands up because he realized he had let himself in for a lifetime of subjugation," opined her friend.
Humour your man/woman
As Sheena introspected over the next few weeks, she realized this was true. She was over-confident and probably, had not realized that Vinod was overly sensitive. She wished that he had cautioned her, or even told her to lay off making fun of him, but as her friend pointed out - "Humour also means to 'indulge someone'. When you are in a relationship, this means understanding what gives each other happiness and offering that. It doesn't mean to make fun of your partner. This may sound hurtful, but you probably did the opposite of that and scared away Vinod."
Although Sheena rued her misjudgement of the situation, she appreciated the need for a couple to share a sense of humour all the more. "My jokes must have really put off Vinod," she mused. "Vinod is a kindly soul, slower than me but more loving. More the Tom & Jerry or Charlie Chaplin humour kind!"
In other words, Sheena had learnt a valuable lesson - not to laugh at anyone else's expense, as this may be hurtful to the target. In her case, it cost her, her fiancée and caused her a lot of heartache.
Nevertheless, her never-say-die attitude has made her thankful to have understood where she went wrong. "Next time, I'll be more considerate of my partner," she says
How to keep the romance alive in your marriage
How to keep the romance alive in your marriage
17 Nov 2008 4:04 PM by Sachin Gupta in Wedding
Here are some tips for keeping romance alive in your marriage:
Have a 'one night stand' at regular intervals. Take time out for each other albeit for just a night. Time alone together. No meals to cook. No kids to attend to. With no other commitments to distract you, romance comes more naturally.
Plan dates months in advance. Keep looking forward to them. And mark these dates in different colors in your diary. Check this daily. This will turn mundane birthdays, anniversaries into special moments to be cherished.
The 3 magic words mean a lot. Say them often. In fact email, call or SMS each other just to say, I love you.
Laughing together is as essential as making love. This brings you together.
Have fun together. Take time out on a Sunday evening to play board games. Or if you are outdoor people then challenge each other to a game of tennis.
Listen.
Action speaks louder than words. Take the initiative and create the mood. Hugs and kisses add a spark to your marriage.
Complement each other on new clothes, new haircut or even the choice of footwear. This shows you notice change in each other.
Make love together more often. Different places. Different ways.
Surprise each other. This can be fun. Surprise your mate with a special evening. Book a table at your favorite restaurant and enjoy a romantic candle light dinner.
17 Nov 2008 4:04 PM by Sachin Gupta in Wedding
Here are some tips for keeping romance alive in your marriage:
Have a 'one night stand' at regular intervals. Take time out for each other albeit for just a night. Time alone together. No meals to cook. No kids to attend to. With no other commitments to distract you, romance comes more naturally.
Plan dates months in advance. Keep looking forward to them. And mark these dates in different colors in your diary. Check this daily. This will turn mundane birthdays, anniversaries into special moments to be cherished.
The 3 magic words mean a lot. Say them often. In fact email, call or SMS each other just to say, I love you.
Laughing together is as essential as making love. This brings you together.
Have fun together. Take time out on a Sunday evening to play board games. Or if you are outdoor people then challenge each other to a game of tennis.
Listen.
Action speaks louder than words. Take the initiative and create the mood. Hugs and kisses add a spark to your marriage.
Complement each other on new clothes, new haircut or even the choice of footwear. This shows you notice change in each other.
Make love together more often. Different places. Different ways.
Surprise each other. This can be fun. Surprise your mate with a special evening. Book a table at your favorite restaurant and enjoy a romantic candle light dinner.
Saturday 26 February 2011
The Islamic View Of Adoption And Caring For Homeless Children
The Islamic View Of Adoption And Caring For Homeless Children
by Imad-ad-Dean Ahmad, Ph.D.
The most famous orphan in Islamic culture is, without doubt, the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him. His father died before he was born and by the time he was eight he had lost both his mother and the grandfather who named him. He was subsequently raised by his uncle Abu Talib who continued to be his protector until his own death, when Muhammad was an adult of almost fifty years of age.
When Muhammad's wife Khadijah gave to him a slave named Zaid, Muhammad freed the boy and raised him as if he were his own son. The importance of taking homeless children to care for them is well-established in Islam. Given these facts, it is somewhat startling to hear Muslims assert that adoption in prohibited in Islam. The confusion is over the precise definition of the term adoption. We shall seek to clarify the issue here.
Foster Parenting
The Islam form of "adoption" is called kafâla, which literally means sponsorship, but comes from the root word meaning "to feed." It is best translated as "foster parenting." Algerian family law defines the concept thusly: "Kafala, or legal fostering, is the promise to undertake without payment the upkeep, education and protection of a minor, in the same way as a father would do for his son."
If "legal fostering" in Islam requires fulfilling these parental duties "in the same way as a father would do for his son," then how does it differ from legal adoption as understood in the United States? There are three significant differences:
denial or acknowledgement of identity by blood lineage
inheritance
and implications for the possibilities of marriage partners.
I shall discuss these in reverse order.
Possibilities of Marriage Partners
Although the specifics differ in the two cases, both American law and Islamic law use proximity of relation as a criterion for the permissibility of marriage. Under Islamic law and in some American states first cousins may marry, but under neither law could a father marry his daughter.
Under Islamic law a man may not marry his son's ex-wife, but he may marry his adopted son's ex-wife. This fact does not mean that adoption is illegal, it only means that a legal system that imposes a prohibition on marriage to the ex-wife of an adopted son is imposing an additional constraint beyond that imposed by Islamic law. An examination of the relevant Qur'anic verse clearly shows its purpose is to reform the practice of adoption by removing such prohibitions rather than to end the practice:
"Allah has not made … your adopted sons your sons. Such is (only) your (manner of) speech by your mouths. But Allah tells (you) the Truth and He shows the (right) Way. Call them by (the names) of their fathers: that is more just in the sight of Allah but if you know not their father's (names call them) your Brothers in faith or your Maulâs. But there is no blame on you if you make a mistake therein: (what counts is) the intention of your hearts: and Allah is Oft-Returning Most Merciful. The Prophet is closer to the Believers than their own selves and his wives are their mothers. Blood-relations among each other have closer personal ties in the Decree of Allah than (the Brotherhood of) Believers and Muhajirs: nevertheless do what is just to your closest friends: such is the writing in the Decree (of Allah)."
The wording is very significant here. The text does not ban adoption, but only says that the use of the word "son" with respect to an adoptee is just a phrase and not a blood (or genetic) fact.
Nor should it be inferred that it is prohibiting the use of the word son (in a metaphorical sense), since it should then logically follow that the term brother (explicitly approved in the text) would also have to be prohibited for the same reasons. Our adopted sons are not our genetic sons any more than our brothers in faith are our genetic brothers. The purpose of the verse is clearly to prevent drawing legal restrictions from the metaphorical use of the word "son" in describing a foster relationship.
Thus one might marry the ex-wife of one's foster son (as one might marry the ex-wife of a blood brother), but one can no more marry a daughter than one could marry a sister.
Analogy to blood relations is not the only relevant issue here. Islamic law forbids a man to marry a woman who had been suckled by the same wet nurse as the man, regardless of whether either was adopted by the wet nurse. Here, too, we see that the issue is not adoption, but how social relationships bear on the question of marriageability.
Inheritance
The issue of inheritance may be dealt with briefly. In most American states, an adopted child has the same automatic rights of inheritance as a genetic child. In a few states, as under Islamic law, inheritance is not automatic but needs to be specified in the will. American law recognizes the validity of wills that specify an inheritance distribution based on Islamic law, so this constitutes no objection to adoption by American Muslims.
Identity by Blood Lineage
Finally, we consider the issue of identity by blood lineage. It has been the custom in America to downplay (or even) hide the identity of blood parents in cases of adoption. Recently there has been a welcome trend giving adopted children some rights to discovery in this matter. In this respect American laws are moving in an Islamic direction. The advantages from a medical point of view to such knowledge are obvious, but there are also issues of the subjective importance of knowing one's own identity.
The verses of the Qur'an quoted above makes it clear that identity is defined by blood. Experience shows that openness about the true identity of children need not be an obstacle to love and caring between foster parents and adoptees. This is an especially important issue for American Muslims adopting children from abroad. It is neither necessary nor desirable to deny the cultural heritage of these children
by Imad-ad-Dean Ahmad, Ph.D.
The most famous orphan in Islamic culture is, without doubt, the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him. His father died before he was born and by the time he was eight he had lost both his mother and the grandfather who named him. He was subsequently raised by his uncle Abu Talib who continued to be his protector until his own death, when Muhammad was an adult of almost fifty years of age.
When Muhammad's wife Khadijah gave to him a slave named Zaid, Muhammad freed the boy and raised him as if he were his own son. The importance of taking homeless children to care for them is well-established in Islam. Given these facts, it is somewhat startling to hear Muslims assert that adoption in prohibited in Islam. The confusion is over the precise definition of the term adoption. We shall seek to clarify the issue here.
Foster Parenting
The Islam form of "adoption" is called kafâla, which literally means sponsorship, but comes from the root word meaning "to feed." It is best translated as "foster parenting." Algerian family law defines the concept thusly: "Kafala, or legal fostering, is the promise to undertake without payment the upkeep, education and protection of a minor, in the same way as a father would do for his son."
If "legal fostering" in Islam requires fulfilling these parental duties "in the same way as a father would do for his son," then how does it differ from legal adoption as understood in the United States? There are three significant differences:
denial or acknowledgement of identity by blood lineage
inheritance
and implications for the possibilities of marriage partners.
I shall discuss these in reverse order.
Possibilities of Marriage Partners
Although the specifics differ in the two cases, both American law and Islamic law use proximity of relation as a criterion for the permissibility of marriage. Under Islamic law and in some American states first cousins may marry, but under neither law could a father marry his daughter.
Under Islamic law a man may not marry his son's ex-wife, but he may marry his adopted son's ex-wife. This fact does not mean that adoption is illegal, it only means that a legal system that imposes a prohibition on marriage to the ex-wife of an adopted son is imposing an additional constraint beyond that imposed by Islamic law. An examination of the relevant Qur'anic verse clearly shows its purpose is to reform the practice of adoption by removing such prohibitions rather than to end the practice:
"Allah has not made … your adopted sons your sons. Such is (only) your (manner of) speech by your mouths. But Allah tells (you) the Truth and He shows the (right) Way. Call them by (the names) of their fathers: that is more just in the sight of Allah but if you know not their father's (names call them) your Brothers in faith or your Maulâs. But there is no blame on you if you make a mistake therein: (what counts is) the intention of your hearts: and Allah is Oft-Returning Most Merciful. The Prophet is closer to the Believers than their own selves and his wives are their mothers. Blood-relations among each other have closer personal ties in the Decree of Allah than (the Brotherhood of) Believers and Muhajirs: nevertheless do what is just to your closest friends: such is the writing in the Decree (of Allah)."
The wording is very significant here. The text does not ban adoption, but only says that the use of the word "son" with respect to an adoptee is just a phrase and not a blood (or genetic) fact.
Nor should it be inferred that it is prohibiting the use of the word son (in a metaphorical sense), since it should then logically follow that the term brother (explicitly approved in the text) would also have to be prohibited for the same reasons. Our adopted sons are not our genetic sons any more than our brothers in faith are our genetic brothers. The purpose of the verse is clearly to prevent drawing legal restrictions from the metaphorical use of the word "son" in describing a foster relationship.
Thus one might marry the ex-wife of one's foster son (as one might marry the ex-wife of a blood brother), but one can no more marry a daughter than one could marry a sister.
Analogy to blood relations is not the only relevant issue here. Islamic law forbids a man to marry a woman who had been suckled by the same wet nurse as the man, regardless of whether either was adopted by the wet nurse. Here, too, we see that the issue is not adoption, but how social relationships bear on the question of marriageability.
Inheritance
The issue of inheritance may be dealt with briefly. In most American states, an adopted child has the same automatic rights of inheritance as a genetic child. In a few states, as under Islamic law, inheritance is not automatic but needs to be specified in the will. American law recognizes the validity of wills that specify an inheritance distribution based on Islamic law, so this constitutes no objection to adoption by American Muslims.
Identity by Blood Lineage
Finally, we consider the issue of identity by blood lineage. It has been the custom in America to downplay (or even) hide the identity of blood parents in cases of adoption. Recently there has been a welcome trend giving adopted children some rights to discovery in this matter. In this respect American laws are moving in an Islamic direction. The advantages from a medical point of view to such knowledge are obvious, but there are also issues of the subjective importance of knowing one's own identity.
The verses of the Qur'an quoted above makes it clear that identity is defined by blood. Experience shows that openness about the true identity of children need not be an obstacle to love and caring between foster parents and adoptees. This is an especially important issue for American Muslims adopting children from abroad. It is neither necessary nor desirable to deny the cultural heritage of these children
Protecting Our Children from Consumerism
Protecting Our Children from Consumerism
Reprinted from the IslamiCity bulletin
What is most striking about consumer culture, aside from its unprecedented ubiquity, is its celebration of consumption. The economy is our religious faith and consumption is our orthodoxy. This becomes even more frightening when we discover that the targets are innocent children. This article attempts to reclaim our kids from a toxic commercial culture that has spun completely out of control. Children are innately innocent regardless of their belief system. Muslim children have a dual challenge - to knowingly stay off the bandwagon of their peers and also to uphold their Islamic values.
Children remind us that the world is full of wonder and possibility. They make us laugh, exhaust us with their endless questions and needs, and evoke indescribable feelings of love. We dedicate ourselves to their well being, and we try to instill within them wholesome values and a dedication to purse establishing good for all.
It goes without saying that raising kids in today's noisy, fast-paced culture is difficult. For good or ill, kids today are exposed to a wider world. The voices of home and community have been joined by a chorus of voices from around the globe, clamoring for our children's attention. Unfortunately, an increasing number of those voices are trying to sell them something. A new generation of hyper-consumers is growing up right in front of our eyes. Most children spend the bulk of their time in one of two places - parked in front of a TV or in a classroom.
Children watch between 50 and 100 TV commercials per day. That's 20,000 to 40,000 TV ads annually. (Marketing Madness, Westview Press, 1995)
Coke recently signed a 10 year exclusive contract with a Colorado Springs School District, with school officials promising to heavily promote Coke products in return for small cash grants. Hundreds of school districts across the country are negotiating similar arrangements. (District's Coke Problem, Harper Magazine 2/99)
Advertising targets children, thereby creating cravings that are hard to ignore but impossible to satisfy. Neither the parents nor the school teachers are really aware of all that is being pummelled into the little minds today. There is a need to wage a battle against the forces of Hollywood and Nintendo Corporation with full force. Muslims rightfully deserve to be ashamed of themselves as they too are contributing to the problems and not the solutions. Our homes are filled with all sorts of electronic gadgetry in all versions. In most homes, we can find Barbies and Barneys but not children's books on Islam. We spend on everything except on Islamic educational material.
It is a natural instinct to see your children happy and protect them from harm or pain. But that instinct, if not tempered, also comes with a cost. Parenthood, like childhood, is a journey of discovery. We set off from our own memories of being a kid, all the blessings, all the scars. In those memories, we must find the answers to the excessiveness of everything in today's consumer culture. Kids mainly need time and attention and love, none of which takes American Express!
The author of this article knows of a family with a few little ones who never owned a television and whose California-born children never visited the perverted fantasy land, a.k.a. Disneyland. And guess what, their kids are normal, healthy and sane! We'd like to share some of their ideas that you may find useful.
Sell your Television, VCR and the Nintendo but if you cannot, don't just turn off the TV, but instead suggest them something meaningful to do.
Buy Islamic books and software for children. Allocate a monthly budget and build their Islamic library.
Buy a big box of crayons, rolls of shelf paper and sewing supplies for arts and crafts.
Read with them bedtime stories and discuss the stories.
Invent ways to help needy and wayfarers. Help them know children who are shot in the alleys of West Bank and Gaza.
Remove the logos from clothes (theirs and yours). Talk with kids about why you are doing this.
Go for walks, kick the ball around the yard, garden, do crafts, wrestle around on the living room floor.
Pray together at least once a day and initiate to help a brother/sister drive by saving a penny a day.
We pray as taught to all of us by Allah "Our Lord! Grant unto us spouses and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous." (25:74)
Reprinted from the IslamiCity bulletin
What is most striking about consumer culture, aside from its unprecedented ubiquity, is its celebration of consumption. The economy is our religious faith and consumption is our orthodoxy. This becomes even more frightening when we discover that the targets are innocent children. This article attempts to reclaim our kids from a toxic commercial culture that has spun completely out of control. Children are innately innocent regardless of their belief system. Muslim children have a dual challenge - to knowingly stay off the bandwagon of their peers and also to uphold their Islamic values.
Children remind us that the world is full of wonder and possibility. They make us laugh, exhaust us with their endless questions and needs, and evoke indescribable feelings of love. We dedicate ourselves to their well being, and we try to instill within them wholesome values and a dedication to purse establishing good for all.
It goes without saying that raising kids in today's noisy, fast-paced culture is difficult. For good or ill, kids today are exposed to a wider world. The voices of home and community have been joined by a chorus of voices from around the globe, clamoring for our children's attention. Unfortunately, an increasing number of those voices are trying to sell them something. A new generation of hyper-consumers is growing up right in front of our eyes. Most children spend the bulk of their time in one of two places - parked in front of a TV or in a classroom.
Children watch between 50 and 100 TV commercials per day. That's 20,000 to 40,000 TV ads annually. (Marketing Madness, Westview Press, 1995)
Coke recently signed a 10 year exclusive contract with a Colorado Springs School District, with school officials promising to heavily promote Coke products in return for small cash grants. Hundreds of school districts across the country are negotiating similar arrangements. (District's Coke Problem, Harper Magazine 2/99)
Advertising targets children, thereby creating cravings that are hard to ignore but impossible to satisfy. Neither the parents nor the school teachers are really aware of all that is being pummelled into the little minds today. There is a need to wage a battle against the forces of Hollywood and Nintendo Corporation with full force. Muslims rightfully deserve to be ashamed of themselves as they too are contributing to the problems and not the solutions. Our homes are filled with all sorts of electronic gadgetry in all versions. In most homes, we can find Barbies and Barneys but not children's books on Islam. We spend on everything except on Islamic educational material.
It is a natural instinct to see your children happy and protect them from harm or pain. But that instinct, if not tempered, also comes with a cost. Parenthood, like childhood, is a journey of discovery. We set off from our own memories of being a kid, all the blessings, all the scars. In those memories, we must find the answers to the excessiveness of everything in today's consumer culture. Kids mainly need time and attention and love, none of which takes American Express!
The author of this article knows of a family with a few little ones who never owned a television and whose California-born children never visited the perverted fantasy land, a.k.a. Disneyland. And guess what, their kids are normal, healthy and sane! We'd like to share some of their ideas that you may find useful.
Sell your Television, VCR and the Nintendo but if you cannot, don't just turn off the TV, but instead suggest them something meaningful to do.
Buy Islamic books and software for children. Allocate a monthly budget and build their Islamic library.
Buy a big box of crayons, rolls of shelf paper and sewing supplies for arts and crafts.
Read with them bedtime stories and discuss the stories.
Invent ways to help needy and wayfarers. Help them know children who are shot in the alleys of West Bank and Gaza.
Remove the logos from clothes (theirs and yours). Talk with kids about why you are doing this.
Go for walks, kick the ball around the yard, garden, do crafts, wrestle around on the living room floor.
Pray together at least once a day and initiate to help a brother/sister drive by saving a penny a day.
We pray as taught to all of us by Allah "Our Lord! Grant unto us spouses and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous." (25:74)
The Precious Moment
The Precious Moment:
Teaching Children the Value of Time
By Sahar Kassaimah
Reprinted from Islam-Online.net
"Mom, I am bored!" "Mom, what can I do?" "Can I play outside?" "Can I visit a friend?" These are questions almost every mother hears from her children during summer vacation when children have a lot of free time to spare. Some parents choose the easiest way out and have their children spend hours in front of the TV or playing videogames, just to keep them busy and out of their hair. Others choose another way…regardless of how much effort and time it may cost. They prefer to take an active role in their children's lives and actually spend quality time with them.
How should we keep our children busy is the question. How should they spend their free time? There is no doubt that if we left our children to spend their time the way they wanted to, they would pass their summer vacation away by sitting front of the TV or doing some other mindless activity.
No one can deny that there is a big difference between children today and children twenty or thirty years ago. There is no way they could have remained the same because times have changed and children subsequently must change with them. But, everything around our children now, not only in this country or society but everywhere, destroys what we try to build at home. And as the Arabic proverb says: How could the building be built, if I build and others destroy?
Nevertheless, that does not mean that we should succumb to the anti-family flow that surrounds our children. In fact, we should increase and redouble our efforts to protect them from this wave. What our children face outside the home is much greater and more dangerous than our imaginations. Therefore, they need our support, our help, and our time.
I believe that summer vacation is a great chance for parents to spend more time with their children. So, how can we let ourselves lose this opportunity to the TV? Wasting time is not the only negative consequence of the television; problems also occur due to what our children watch. Can anyone disagree that most of the television programs contain either violence or sex? Our children do not need to be exposed to unhealthy images that will destroy their innocent nature.
Therefore, we need to spend more time choosing and then deciding which programs or movies we can allow our children to watch. In the meantime, we should limit the hours they spend in front of the TV.
Of course, it will require us to become good examples ourselves. We are the first example our children look to; they behave the same way they see us behaving. So, if we do not want them to waste time in front of the TV, we had better start by watching the time we spend watching it, as well as refining the quality of what we watch.
However, the effect of TV is not the topic of this article. Rather, my concern is that we should not sacrifice our children's precious time. They need us to spend time with them… talking to them, answering their questions, and correcting their misunderstandings and faults.
It is hard to imagine that there are parents who do not spend any time talking or playing with their children because they consider it a waste of time. But, true wasting of time comes when we spend hours without doing anything productive.
Of course, no one can spend all his/her time with their children because everyone has other duties to attend to. But, nonetheless, we cannot and should not give up the precious moments we do have.
We must also remember that it is quality and not quantity that counts. Our children need to learn that Allah (SWT) will ask us about our time and how we spent it. They need to learn, early on, how to plan and have a schedule. Therefore, it is our responsibility to teach them to plan time for reading, for example. If they are still young, we should read to them until they learn how to do it for themselves.
We can also encourage them to help out at home: they can wash dishes, clean the table, or the mirrors, clean their rooms or arrange the bookshelf, etc. That way, they will understand in the future that it is not just their mother's responsibility to clean the house, but rather the family's responsibility; and then they will realize that they are not helping out as a favor, but because they should.
It may also be enjoyable to spend time working on a project together. Children and parents can also draw or color together. One other source of positive encouragement is to encourage them to become active in sports and then attend their games or matches.
In the meantime, it is very important that we teach them to make time to worship Allah (SWT). Even if they are still young, we can encourage them to stand with us in prayers or to make zikr after prayers. When they grow up, we need to watch them and to encourage them to pray on time. Summer vacation is also a good chance for parents to teach children Arabic and to encourage them to memorize Qur'an. The youngest years are our best chances to instill in them the need to memorize the Qur'an; and young children tend to have keen memorization abilities.
We can also spend time explaining the meanings of Qur'an and teaching them Islamic manners. For example, we can answer their innocent questions about the Creator …how Allah (SWT) looks, how He can see them, or why they should love Allah (SWT) and Prophet Mohammed (SAW) more than their mothers and fathers.
By talking to them, we can implant the love of Allah (SWT) and His Prophet (SAW) in their hearts, which will give them the chance to look around, think about the unseen world and discover, for themselves, the great power of Allah (SWT).
The family meeting, when the entire family gets together to talk, laugh and learn, is also very nurturing for children. Try holding the meeting at home, at the park, or anywhere you like, as long as it means spending time together.
There are many ways to enjoy and take advantage of our children's time. We must show them that we care about how they spend their precious time and that we want to join them in spending it.
Teaching Children the Value of Time
By Sahar Kassaimah
Reprinted from Islam-Online.net
"Mom, I am bored!" "Mom, what can I do?" "Can I play outside?" "Can I visit a friend?" These are questions almost every mother hears from her children during summer vacation when children have a lot of free time to spare. Some parents choose the easiest way out and have their children spend hours in front of the TV or playing videogames, just to keep them busy and out of their hair. Others choose another way…regardless of how much effort and time it may cost. They prefer to take an active role in their children's lives and actually spend quality time with them.
How should we keep our children busy is the question. How should they spend their free time? There is no doubt that if we left our children to spend their time the way they wanted to, they would pass their summer vacation away by sitting front of the TV or doing some other mindless activity.
No one can deny that there is a big difference between children today and children twenty or thirty years ago. There is no way they could have remained the same because times have changed and children subsequently must change with them. But, everything around our children now, not only in this country or society but everywhere, destroys what we try to build at home. And as the Arabic proverb says: How could the building be built, if I build and others destroy?
Nevertheless, that does not mean that we should succumb to the anti-family flow that surrounds our children. In fact, we should increase and redouble our efforts to protect them from this wave. What our children face outside the home is much greater and more dangerous than our imaginations. Therefore, they need our support, our help, and our time.
I believe that summer vacation is a great chance for parents to spend more time with their children. So, how can we let ourselves lose this opportunity to the TV? Wasting time is not the only negative consequence of the television; problems also occur due to what our children watch. Can anyone disagree that most of the television programs contain either violence or sex? Our children do not need to be exposed to unhealthy images that will destroy their innocent nature.
Therefore, we need to spend more time choosing and then deciding which programs or movies we can allow our children to watch. In the meantime, we should limit the hours they spend in front of the TV.
Of course, it will require us to become good examples ourselves. We are the first example our children look to; they behave the same way they see us behaving. So, if we do not want them to waste time in front of the TV, we had better start by watching the time we spend watching it, as well as refining the quality of what we watch.
However, the effect of TV is not the topic of this article. Rather, my concern is that we should not sacrifice our children's precious time. They need us to spend time with them… talking to them, answering their questions, and correcting their misunderstandings and faults.
It is hard to imagine that there are parents who do not spend any time talking or playing with their children because they consider it a waste of time. But, true wasting of time comes when we spend hours without doing anything productive.
Of course, no one can spend all his/her time with their children because everyone has other duties to attend to. But, nonetheless, we cannot and should not give up the precious moments we do have.
We must also remember that it is quality and not quantity that counts. Our children need to learn that Allah (SWT) will ask us about our time and how we spent it. They need to learn, early on, how to plan and have a schedule. Therefore, it is our responsibility to teach them to plan time for reading, for example. If they are still young, we should read to them until they learn how to do it for themselves.
We can also encourage them to help out at home: they can wash dishes, clean the table, or the mirrors, clean their rooms or arrange the bookshelf, etc. That way, they will understand in the future that it is not just their mother's responsibility to clean the house, but rather the family's responsibility; and then they will realize that they are not helping out as a favor, but because they should.
It may also be enjoyable to spend time working on a project together. Children and parents can also draw or color together. One other source of positive encouragement is to encourage them to become active in sports and then attend their games or matches.
In the meantime, it is very important that we teach them to make time to worship Allah (SWT). Even if they are still young, we can encourage them to stand with us in prayers or to make zikr after prayers. When they grow up, we need to watch them and to encourage them to pray on time. Summer vacation is also a good chance for parents to teach children Arabic and to encourage them to memorize Qur'an. The youngest years are our best chances to instill in them the need to memorize the Qur'an; and young children tend to have keen memorization abilities.
We can also spend time explaining the meanings of Qur'an and teaching them Islamic manners. For example, we can answer their innocent questions about the Creator …how Allah (SWT) looks, how He can see them, or why they should love Allah (SWT) and Prophet Mohammed (SAW) more than their mothers and fathers.
By talking to them, we can implant the love of Allah (SWT) and His Prophet (SAW) in their hearts, which will give them the chance to look around, think about the unseen world and discover, for themselves, the great power of Allah (SWT).
The family meeting, when the entire family gets together to talk, laugh and learn, is also very nurturing for children. Try holding the meeting at home, at the park, or anywhere you like, as long as it means spending time together.
There are many ways to enjoy and take advantage of our children's time. We must show them that we care about how they spend their precious time and that we want to join them in spending it.
The Role of the Muslim Community in Raising Children in a non-Muslim Society
The Role of the Muslim Community in Raising Children in a non-Muslim Society
Friday speech delivered by Imam Mohamed Baianonie at the Islamic Center of Raleigh, NC on June 2, 2000
Reprinted from the Islamic Center of Raleigh website
Raising children in an Islamic way in a non-Muslim society needs everyone’s effort with no exception, starting with the parents’ efforts, to the Masjid’s, to the community’s efforts. All of these roles are important. The stronger these roles are and the more mutually complementary to one another, the better the raising process will be.
On the past Fridays, we talked about the role of the Muslim family and the role of the Masjid in the children’s Islamic upbringing process in a non-Muslim society. We mentioned that the role of the Masjid manifests itself in providing programs and projects. For example, an Islamic school, weekend school, youth activities, and so on.
Today, we are talking about the role of the Muslim community in raising the children in an Islamic way in a non-Muslim society.
The role of the Muslim community is important and is based on a number of factors, of which, the most important are:
Supporting the Islamic center so that it keeps providing all the different services and programs and makes improvements.
1- Continuous Financial support to cover all the operating expenses and activities expenses. Every program has expenses, which are only covered by the generous people of the community. "Al Hamdulelah" This community has shown their support in an exemplary manner for this center; all its activities, the Islamic schools, the monthly utility bills and so on.
We give good news and clad tidings to everyone who donated to this center that their donations are considered Sadaqah Jareyah (the on-going charity) that has positive rewarding effects even after death as prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.) promised. Imam Muslim reported that the prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.) said: "When a man dies, his deeds come to an end except for three things, (and the first of them): Sadaqah Jareyah, (ceaseless charity)…" And Allah (S.W.T) says in surat Al-Baqarah, (verse 272), which is translated as, "And whatever you spend in good, it is for yourselves, …. And whatever you spend in good, it will be repaid to you in full, and you shall not be wronged."
2- Supporting the Islamic center requires also efforts and time invested in voluntary programs and projects that are frequently needed. This is met when you personally come here and bring your children with you. This way, your children take part in the voluntary work. It is an important factor in increasing their tendency to work with a group than to work selfishly and individually. The prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.) used to participate with all his companion in voluntary projects, which are beneficial to the Muslim community.
3- Supporting the Islamic center occurs also through suggesting a good idea to establish new important projects. It also occurs through constructive criticism for existing projects and programs so that they get better. Support does not occur from those who do not show action or from those who criticize only for criticism and always reject others. These people weaken some workers who may leave the projects and subsequently these projects will be weak.
4- Supporting the Islamic center is also done by effective participation in the existing programs and activities by your coming and bringing your family with you. It is a must that you make this participation a part of your daily and weekly schedule. This participation will help you keep coming and so will be beneficial for you and your family. Also, do not forget that you children need social upbringing that will not be accomplished except through the Muslim community. You can not accomplish this alone. The prophet (S.A.W.) ordered us to stay with the Jama'ah (community) and warned us from to stay away from it. The prophet (S.A.W.) says: "Stay with the Jama'ah (community) and be cautious of divisions; Satan is further from the two people and that the wolf do not take from the sheep except the one that is far from the herd." In another narration, he said: "Satan is man’s wolf."
5- Supporting the Islamic center is done also by making other Muslims member of this community aware of the activities and programs that the Islamic center has. Also, make sure that you bring some of them with you. This way, you will be performing the Muslims’ due rights and so you will be rewarded without decreasing their rewards on the Day of Judgment.
What helps you participate in the center’s activities and programs is your home. If you live closer to the Masjid, you will be more easily able to participate in the daily prayers for example. It is important that you also establish good relationships on the basis of Islam with other Muslim families. And to make effort to live in a neighborhood with other Muslim families, so that you can share your experiences about raising your children with them.
We need to establish good relationships on the basis of Islam with other Muslim families. That relationship should be based only on Islam and nothing else. Also, be aware from falling into racism, nationalism that the prophet (S.A.W.) warned us against: "Leave it alone. It stinks." The Asabiyah can be exploited by the Satan among people and Jinn, which will lead to the destruction of the Muslim unity.
To keep away from the Asabiyah involves a number of things:
1- To develop good relationships with Muslim families that do not belong to the same nationality or ethnic background.
2- Be aware and avoid the activities that are aimed at only specific nationality or ethnic background or race, for example Arabs with Arabs only, or Palestinians with Palestinians only, or Egyptians with Egyptians only, or Indians with Indians only, or Pakistani with Pakistani only, or the Afro-Americans with the Afro-Americans only, even if these activities are intended to build a Masjid or a center or an organization. This will destroy the unity among Muslim community. Allah (S.W.T) says in surat Ale-Emran, (verse 103), which is translated as, "And hold fast, all of together, to the rope of Allah (Islam), and be not divided among yourselves." And Allah (S.W.T) says in surat Al-Hujurat, (verse 10), which is translated as, "The believers are nothing else than brothers."
Many people who fall in the traps of nationalism are not even aware of the seriousness of this practice which destroy the relationship among Muslim children and among Muslim families. Therefore, destroys the meaning of the Islamic universal message that we need to implant in their minds and exemplify it in their
Friday speech delivered by Imam Mohamed Baianonie at the Islamic Center of Raleigh, NC on June 2, 2000
Reprinted from the Islamic Center of Raleigh website
Raising children in an Islamic way in a non-Muslim society needs everyone’s effort with no exception, starting with the parents’ efforts, to the Masjid’s, to the community’s efforts. All of these roles are important. The stronger these roles are and the more mutually complementary to one another, the better the raising process will be.
On the past Fridays, we talked about the role of the Muslim family and the role of the Masjid in the children’s Islamic upbringing process in a non-Muslim society. We mentioned that the role of the Masjid manifests itself in providing programs and projects. For example, an Islamic school, weekend school, youth activities, and so on.
Today, we are talking about the role of the Muslim community in raising the children in an Islamic way in a non-Muslim society.
The role of the Muslim community is important and is based on a number of factors, of which, the most important are:
Supporting the Islamic center so that it keeps providing all the different services and programs and makes improvements.
1- Continuous Financial support to cover all the operating expenses and activities expenses. Every program has expenses, which are only covered by the generous people of the community. "Al Hamdulelah" This community has shown their support in an exemplary manner for this center; all its activities, the Islamic schools, the monthly utility bills and so on.
We give good news and clad tidings to everyone who donated to this center that their donations are considered Sadaqah Jareyah (the on-going charity) that has positive rewarding effects even after death as prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.) promised. Imam Muslim reported that the prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.) said: "When a man dies, his deeds come to an end except for three things, (and the first of them): Sadaqah Jareyah, (ceaseless charity)…" And Allah (S.W.T) says in surat Al-Baqarah, (verse 272), which is translated as, "And whatever you spend in good, it is for yourselves, …. And whatever you spend in good, it will be repaid to you in full, and you shall not be wronged."
2- Supporting the Islamic center requires also efforts and time invested in voluntary programs and projects that are frequently needed. This is met when you personally come here and bring your children with you. This way, your children take part in the voluntary work. It is an important factor in increasing their tendency to work with a group than to work selfishly and individually. The prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.) used to participate with all his companion in voluntary projects, which are beneficial to the Muslim community.
3- Supporting the Islamic center occurs also through suggesting a good idea to establish new important projects. It also occurs through constructive criticism for existing projects and programs so that they get better. Support does not occur from those who do not show action or from those who criticize only for criticism and always reject others. These people weaken some workers who may leave the projects and subsequently these projects will be weak.
4- Supporting the Islamic center is also done by effective participation in the existing programs and activities by your coming and bringing your family with you. It is a must that you make this participation a part of your daily and weekly schedule. This participation will help you keep coming and so will be beneficial for you and your family. Also, do not forget that you children need social upbringing that will not be accomplished except through the Muslim community. You can not accomplish this alone. The prophet (S.A.W.) ordered us to stay with the Jama'ah (community) and warned us from to stay away from it. The prophet (S.A.W.) says: "Stay with the Jama'ah (community) and be cautious of divisions; Satan is further from the two people and that the wolf do not take from the sheep except the one that is far from the herd." In another narration, he said: "Satan is man’s wolf."
5- Supporting the Islamic center is done also by making other Muslims member of this community aware of the activities and programs that the Islamic center has. Also, make sure that you bring some of them with you. This way, you will be performing the Muslims’ due rights and so you will be rewarded without decreasing their rewards on the Day of Judgment.
What helps you participate in the center’s activities and programs is your home. If you live closer to the Masjid, you will be more easily able to participate in the daily prayers for example. It is important that you also establish good relationships on the basis of Islam with other Muslim families. And to make effort to live in a neighborhood with other Muslim families, so that you can share your experiences about raising your children with them.
We need to establish good relationships on the basis of Islam with other Muslim families. That relationship should be based only on Islam and nothing else. Also, be aware from falling into racism, nationalism that the prophet (S.A.W.) warned us against: "Leave it alone. It stinks." The Asabiyah can be exploited by the Satan among people and Jinn, which will lead to the destruction of the Muslim unity.
To keep away from the Asabiyah involves a number of things:
1- To develop good relationships with Muslim families that do not belong to the same nationality or ethnic background.
2- Be aware and avoid the activities that are aimed at only specific nationality or ethnic background or race, for example Arabs with Arabs only, or Palestinians with Palestinians only, or Egyptians with Egyptians only, or Indians with Indians only, or Pakistani with Pakistani only, or the Afro-Americans with the Afro-Americans only, even if these activities are intended to build a Masjid or a center or an organization. This will destroy the unity among Muslim community. Allah (S.W.T) says in surat Ale-Emran, (verse 103), which is translated as, "And hold fast, all of together, to the rope of Allah (Islam), and be not divided among yourselves." And Allah (S.W.T) says in surat Al-Hujurat, (verse 10), which is translated as, "The believers are nothing else than brothers."
Many people who fall in the traps of nationalism are not even aware of the seriousness of this practice which destroy the relationship among Muslim children and among Muslim families. Therefore, destroys the meaning of the Islamic universal message that we need to implant in their minds and exemplify it in their
Let the Child be a Child
Let the Child be a Child
By Mohammed Khalfan of Dar el Salaam, Tanzania
A child was visited at home by his friend. That night the child declined to sleep in his room. He insisted on joining the parents in their bedroom. The fear was triggered when the friend asked the child if he was afraid to sleep so close to a window when ghosts and spirits peep directly into the room.
The tactful approach to the situation should have been for the parents to accede to what the child had pleaded for, at least, for that night knowing that such fears wear off or become much less the next day. Instead they thought it a good opportunity to enforce the parental discipline over the child so that he abandons what was perceived as a sissy trait.
The child was restless that night because he was a human child, and if only the parents knew that! The father's argument kept ringing in his ears: "why believe in a ghost or spirit when you have seen none and will see none of them ever in your life?" and he would ask himself: yes, why?
The child was betraying nothing more than a simple natural fear of the Unseen, because he, as human, has been created with a nature which readily believes in the Unseen - that Unseen which includes Allah, Angels, Jinns and Shaitan. No wonder the fundamental teaching in Islam is Iman bil Ghaib that is, the Belief in the Unseen.
The subject of Al-Ghaib reveals one thoughtful aspect for discussion here: fear! It is a part of the instinct for self-preservation or survival. It is not something that a child should be made ashamed of. In fact, manifestation of fear is a welcome sign of a mental normalcy in him.
To ask the child to banish fear is like asking him to banish his human instinct. A good authority on the natural aspect of fear in the children states:
Another characteristic of the child's personality is the presence of many fears. These fears result from uncertainty combined with easy recourse to imagination. The imagination runs toward superlatives, and when a child indulges in fantasy, things are either very attractive or very threatening.
We can ascribe a reason for this in the context of Islam: imagination by the child or his fantasy is a phase of manifestation of his attempt at perceiving things which are and remain Unseen. The child's negative fear of an unseen being like a ghost or spirit indicates one important thing - the existence of the natural positive capacity for submission to his Creator - in the realm of the Unseen. It is a manifestation of Al Iman bil Ghaib.
So let the child be a child, because treating him as an adult will not turn him into an adult before his time!
May Allah help us relate to our children as Prophet Muhammad (peace & blessings be upon him) related with his grandsons. May He help us treat them mercifully when they need affection and firmly when they need discipline.
Reprinted from the IslamiCity bulletin
By Mohammed Khalfan of Dar el Salaam, Tanzania
A child was visited at home by his friend. That night the child declined to sleep in his room. He insisted on joining the parents in their bedroom. The fear was triggered when the friend asked the child if he was afraid to sleep so close to a window when ghosts and spirits peep directly into the room.
The tactful approach to the situation should have been for the parents to accede to what the child had pleaded for, at least, for that night knowing that such fears wear off or become much less the next day. Instead they thought it a good opportunity to enforce the parental discipline over the child so that he abandons what was perceived as a sissy trait.
The child was restless that night because he was a human child, and if only the parents knew that! The father's argument kept ringing in his ears: "why believe in a ghost or spirit when you have seen none and will see none of them ever in your life?" and he would ask himself: yes, why?
The child was betraying nothing more than a simple natural fear of the Unseen, because he, as human, has been created with a nature which readily believes in the Unseen - that Unseen which includes Allah, Angels, Jinns and Shaitan. No wonder the fundamental teaching in Islam is Iman bil Ghaib that is, the Belief in the Unseen.
The subject of Al-Ghaib reveals one thoughtful aspect for discussion here: fear! It is a part of the instinct for self-preservation or survival. It is not something that a child should be made ashamed of. In fact, manifestation of fear is a welcome sign of a mental normalcy in him.
To ask the child to banish fear is like asking him to banish his human instinct. A good authority on the natural aspect of fear in the children states:
Another characteristic of the child's personality is the presence of many fears. These fears result from uncertainty combined with easy recourse to imagination. The imagination runs toward superlatives, and when a child indulges in fantasy, things are either very attractive or very threatening.
We can ascribe a reason for this in the context of Islam: imagination by the child or his fantasy is a phase of manifestation of his attempt at perceiving things which are and remain Unseen. The child's negative fear of an unseen being like a ghost or spirit indicates one important thing - the existence of the natural positive capacity for submission to his Creator - in the realm of the Unseen. It is a manifestation of Al Iman bil Ghaib.
So let the child be a child, because treating him as an adult will not turn him into an adult before his time!
May Allah help us relate to our children as Prophet Muhammad (peace & blessings be upon him) related with his grandsons. May He help us treat them mercifully when they need affection and firmly when they need discipline.
Reprinted from the IslamiCity bulletin
Tuesday 22 February 2011
The Necessity of Marriage
The Necessity of Marriage
from Youth & Spouse Selection
by Ali Akbar Mazaheri
Allah created man in a manner that he is incomplete and imperfect without a spouse. Man may upgrade his knowledge, faith and excellencies, but he shall never reach the desired perfectness if he does not get a spouse. (Be it man or woman). Nothing can substitute marriage and the raising of a family. Male and female sexes need each other both from spiritual as well as physical points of view. And each of them is incomplete and imperfect when alone and in solitude. And when they get placed beside each other, they complete each other. This is the law of creation and it commands all the universe.
The Quran calls man and woman as the dress of each other.
"They (wives) are as a dress for you (husbands) and you are as a dress for them"
Surah Baqara v187
That is to say, they are the completive, counterpart, and the guard of each other's honour and secrets, and each one needs the other. Man can not live honourably and eminently in society without dress. He feels himself in a state of imperfectness. The lonely person too feels himself imperfect.
Dress saves and protects a person from the effects of winter and summer. The spouse too saves one from worries, futility, shelterlessness, aimlessness and solitude similarly. Dress decorates man, spouses too are the decoration of each other.
from Youth & Spouse Selection
by Ali Akbar Mazaheri
Allah created man in a manner that he is incomplete and imperfect without a spouse. Man may upgrade his knowledge, faith and excellencies, but he shall never reach the desired perfectness if he does not get a spouse. (Be it man or woman). Nothing can substitute marriage and the raising of a family. Male and female sexes need each other both from spiritual as well as physical points of view. And each of them is incomplete and imperfect when alone and in solitude. And when they get placed beside each other, they complete each other. This is the law of creation and it commands all the universe.
The Quran calls man and woman as the dress of each other.
"They (wives) are as a dress for you (husbands) and you are as a dress for them"
Surah Baqara v187
That is to say, they are the completive, counterpart, and the guard of each other's honour and secrets, and each one needs the other. Man can not live honourably and eminently in society without dress. He feels himself in a state of imperfectness. The lonely person too feels himself imperfect.
Dress saves and protects a person from the effects of winter and summer. The spouse too saves one from worries, futility, shelterlessness, aimlessness and solitude similarly. Dress decorates man, spouses too are the decoration of each other.
Monday 21 February 2011
Marriage: Lack of Faith or Lack of Focus?
Marriage: Lack of Faith or Lack of Focus?
By Hwaa Irfan
March 3, 2001
The Holy Prophet (SAW) has said, "A person who does not marry on account of his poor financial condition does not have faith and confidence in Allah."
With this in mind, many Islamic countries have adopted the hosting of mass weddings. As one of many gifts given during the month of Ramadan, Egypt hosts mass weddings for low-income and physically handicapped couples. The decorated tables and entertainment provided for the couples and their guests are a blessing.
Earlier this month, Iran's Interior Ministry married 700 couples in one day and 850 couples on the next. They expect to marry 14,000 couples. The general director of the project, Ahmad Bahraini, said to Associated Press writer Ali Akbar Dareini that the purpose is to "...encourage marriage among our young people, and invite the public to hold modest celebrations in order to save money."
Many young Iranian men do not get married before they are 30 because it is too difficult for them to save enough money to cover the expenses of marrying. Yet maintaining modesty in the expenses of marriage is what the Prophet of Islam (SAW) recommended, and the example he set when he married his daughter, Fatima Zahra, to the fourth Caliph, 'Ali ibn Talib.
Bride Zahra Nowruzi said, "I'm spending the happiest days of my life."
Her groom, Rostam Bahadori, 27, a Geography graduate is looking for work, but he expressed that he's not really worried. "If I can't find a job, I can work on a piece of land for my father."
This choice is not always available to Muslims living in westernized societies, but many other choices can have implications that delay the decision to marry. Among the socialites in Cairo, Egypt, there can be an average of three weddings a week that are laboriously planned for the public's attendance. Yet, there are many divorces.
Muhammed Hefzy is of the opinion that, "...We suffer from a distinct lack of romanticism surrounding our lives."
Bachelors from these communities argue that:
Many girls convince themselves that they love men that they want to spend the rest of their lives with, but their underlying reason for wanting to marry is to break away from the control of their parents and they assume marriage will bring them independence.
For this reason, many young people will never know what it is like to experience love and companionship.
There is a failure to see the difference between being loved and cared for and paying for someone to care for you.
Men are scared of losing their privacy. It is considered that most women are too insecure to handle a request for privacy and feel that some thing is wrong; that their husbands do not love them any more.
Across communities and social classes, one finds Muslim women who have limited experience dealing with people outside of their immediate families. It is a trend for them to marry because of their belief that they will gain independence by doing so. Then, within a year or so, their commitment towards their husbands changes once they realize that the dreams they had pictured in their minds (that songs and films have inspired) are different from the reality of their lives. Imaginary icons are then either broken, or they are imposed on husbands (sometimes on wives).
Without their realizing it, a mutual distrust develops that begins to form the direction in which each spouse relates to their marital partner. Couples either adjust and accept the disparity between expectations and reality, or a crisis occurs that gives them a second chance in their marriage, or they drift apart within the marriage, or ultimately they separate or divorce.
We go "off-course" when we lose touch with our inner beings, or if, in fact, we haven't yet developed that inner understanding of ourselves. Distracted by the daily demands of life in the form of school, employment, and eventually marriage, we might not have ascertained what we really want. This can set up a pattern for choosing a wrong partner.
Rasul'ullah (SAW) said, "...A person who will marry for the sake of wealth and beauty will ultimately be deprived of both, and he who will marry for the sake of piety and faith will be blessed with wealth and beauty from Allah."
The right choice in marriages involves a person that we can bring out the best in, and vice versa, in order to form a family that can provide security and peace of mind and heart. We need to look for mates who can satisfy our needs and goals.
If a couple with a healthy, functional marriage is blessed with children, the family environment will provide a sound foundation for them in choosing the best marital partner and making the right decisions in their lives.
To wives, Rasul'ullah (SAW) said, "Invite your husbands to do good before they persuade you to do wrong deeds."
To husbands, Rasul'ullah (SAW) said, "You men must make yourselves tidy and be prepared for your wives, as you would like them (your women) to be prepared for you."
By Hwaa Irfan
March 3, 2001
The Holy Prophet (SAW) has said, "A person who does not marry on account of his poor financial condition does not have faith and confidence in Allah."
With this in mind, many Islamic countries have adopted the hosting of mass weddings. As one of many gifts given during the month of Ramadan, Egypt hosts mass weddings for low-income and physically handicapped couples. The decorated tables and entertainment provided for the couples and their guests are a blessing.
Earlier this month, Iran's Interior Ministry married 700 couples in one day and 850 couples on the next. They expect to marry 14,000 couples. The general director of the project, Ahmad Bahraini, said to Associated Press writer Ali Akbar Dareini that the purpose is to "...encourage marriage among our young people, and invite the public to hold modest celebrations in order to save money."
Many young Iranian men do not get married before they are 30 because it is too difficult for them to save enough money to cover the expenses of marrying. Yet maintaining modesty in the expenses of marriage is what the Prophet of Islam (SAW) recommended, and the example he set when he married his daughter, Fatima Zahra, to the fourth Caliph, 'Ali ibn Talib.
Bride Zahra Nowruzi said, "I'm spending the happiest days of my life."
Her groom, Rostam Bahadori, 27, a Geography graduate is looking for work, but he expressed that he's not really worried. "If I can't find a job, I can work on a piece of land for my father."
This choice is not always available to Muslims living in westernized societies, but many other choices can have implications that delay the decision to marry. Among the socialites in Cairo, Egypt, there can be an average of three weddings a week that are laboriously planned for the public's attendance. Yet, there are many divorces.
Muhammed Hefzy is of the opinion that, "...We suffer from a distinct lack of romanticism surrounding our lives."
Bachelors from these communities argue that:
Many girls convince themselves that they love men that they want to spend the rest of their lives with, but their underlying reason for wanting to marry is to break away from the control of their parents and they assume marriage will bring them independence.
For this reason, many young people will never know what it is like to experience love and companionship.
There is a failure to see the difference between being loved and cared for and paying for someone to care for you.
Men are scared of losing their privacy. It is considered that most women are too insecure to handle a request for privacy and feel that some thing is wrong; that their husbands do not love them any more.
Across communities and social classes, one finds Muslim women who have limited experience dealing with people outside of their immediate families. It is a trend for them to marry because of their belief that they will gain independence by doing so. Then, within a year or so, their commitment towards their husbands changes once they realize that the dreams they had pictured in their minds (that songs and films have inspired) are different from the reality of their lives. Imaginary icons are then either broken, or they are imposed on husbands (sometimes on wives).
Without their realizing it, a mutual distrust develops that begins to form the direction in which each spouse relates to their marital partner. Couples either adjust and accept the disparity between expectations and reality, or a crisis occurs that gives them a second chance in their marriage, or they drift apart within the marriage, or ultimately they separate or divorce.
We go "off-course" when we lose touch with our inner beings, or if, in fact, we haven't yet developed that inner understanding of ourselves. Distracted by the daily demands of life in the form of school, employment, and eventually marriage, we might not have ascertained what we really want. This can set up a pattern for choosing a wrong partner.
Rasul'ullah (SAW) said, "...A person who will marry for the sake of wealth and beauty will ultimately be deprived of both, and he who will marry for the sake of piety and faith will be blessed with wealth and beauty from Allah."
The right choice in marriages involves a person that we can bring out the best in, and vice versa, in order to form a family that can provide security and peace of mind and heart. We need to look for mates who can satisfy our needs and goals.
If a couple with a healthy, functional marriage is blessed with children, the family environment will provide a sound foundation for them in choosing the best marital partner and making the right decisions in their lives.
To wives, Rasul'ullah (SAW) said, "Invite your husbands to do good before they persuade you to do wrong deeds."
To husbands, Rasul'ullah (SAW) said, "You men must make yourselves tidy and be prepared for your wives, as you would like them (your women) to be prepared for you."
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