Conflicting Values: Muslim Teenagers and Highschool
By Karen Pryer-Salahuddin
For young Muslims, living in a non-Islamic society, the pressures to conform and to be like everyone else are oftentimes overwhelming. School dances, senior proms, co-ed class trips, weekend trips to the movie theaters, malls and countless other places and activities that not only involve intermingling, but also promote other non-Islamic behavior, are all parts of the tapestry that make up a teenage Muslim's life in the West. As parents we have to acknowledge the dichotomous nature of our teenagers' existences, and offer support and assistance in making good decisions. It's not enough for us to simply say no to these activities, but we have to explain why they are not acceptable and offer Islamic alternatives. As a young Muslim or Muslimah , you may be finding it very difficult to even come to terms with your Islamic identity, when the majority of your peers dont even know what being a Muslim means, or what Islam is really all about.
As a parent I can think of at least three issues that readily come to my mind, when I look at our Muslim youth:
1. They feel alienated and frustrated because of the duality of their experiance of living in a Western society in which the deen of Islam has yet to be fully propogated.
2. They are struggling not to adapt the ways and characters of the people they come in contact with everyday.
3. Some are exhibiting signs of rebellion that arises when they are often being told that many of the things they desire to do are harm.
Since I did not become a Muslim until 28 years of age, I may not truly know what it feels like being a Muslim teenager in a "I CAN DO AS I WANT" world. Only Allah knows best what challenges this presents for the youth. But Allah in His Infitite Mercy has promised to provide a place under His Shade on the Day of Judgement for those who speak and practice Islam in their youth. For Allah to grant such a reward testifies to the difficulties of doing the right thing, and following Allah's Decrees, when you're young. To speak of Islam, for example to your friends and peers, when all around you is talk of the haram, takes tremendous faith and courage.
The question now becomes, do you choose now or later? Do you choose those activities and behaviors that you know Allah, in His Infinite Knowledge has prohibited, for the gratification of "NOW"? Or will you strive to indulge in those activities and behaviors that will enable you to stand beneath the shaded doors of Paradise "LATER"?
Parents, you need to help your children choose to strive for a place under Allah's shade on the Day of Judgement and to help them want to be among the people of paradise. Offer them Islamic alternatives, which will give them a sense of belonging and community.
- Hold separate boys' and girls' youth meetings to first collectively identify you as young Muslims and to familiarize yourselves with one another on that basis. What better way to nurture and foster an Islamic identity and personality than to communicate with fellow Muslims.
- Plan separate boys' and girls' activities such as the trips to the masgid, Islamic outings, sport activities, and make sure that all other activities and getting together have an Islamic focus. The key is to infuse Islamic values into all of your activities.
- Adopt the concept of "each one teach one" which means to constantly be in the mode of teaching your fellow Muslim and non-Muslim friends about Islam; not simple theoritical knowledge, but showing and explaining how you have integrated what you know into your practical way of life.
As Muslim parents and a Muslim community, let us support our young people. Let us not sacrifice our youth for the instant gratification of this life. We need to continue to demonstrate to them that there exists a practical way of living Islam, from what we say, to how we act and what we wear. Remember, Islam is truly a way of life; not just a religion with rituals. May Allah continue to shower His Mercy upon our young Muslims as they struggle with all of their hearts and souls to reconcile two worlds, the Western society and Islam, in pursuit of that shaded place on a Day when there will be no shade, except that of Allah subhanuahu wa ta'ala.
Monday, 7 March 2011
ADOLESCENCE: TURMOIL OR TRANSITION
ADOLESCENCE: TURMOIL OR TRANSITION
By Dr. Aisha Hamdan
The stage of adolescence is often seen as a time of turmoil and distress for both the teenagers and their parents. Parents worry about what kind of friends their teen will have, whether or not they will do well in school and decide to pursue their education further, and how much "control" they will have over their teen's decisions. Greater fears include problems with drugs or alcohol, trouble with the legal system, premarital relationships, and suicide. In addition to all of these issues, Muslim parents would be concerned about whether or not their adolescent will wear the hijab, perform salah correctly and on time, fast during the month of Ramadhan, avoid contact with members of the opposite gender, respect his/her parents and other adults. Dealing with all of these worries can be less stressful if a parent knows what to expect as their child enters this phase of development.
Adolescence is generally considered to begin around the age of 12 or 13 and end at 18 or 19. It is a period of transition between childhood and adulthood that is not at all universal. In many cultures and societies there is no such phase of development since marriage and the its associated responsibilities occur at an early age. Adolescence is present in other societies due to social, economic, and cultural factors that produce a gap between the ability to reproduce biologically and the societal expectations for reproduction. As Muslims, we need to contemplate the validity of this stage since we understand that accountability (Takleef) for our thoughts and actions begins at puberty (Buloogh). This means that even though we may not be an "adult" socially, we are considered to be one spiritually. Obviously this should bring up all kinds of red flags and warnings for parents as they realize that the task of parenting is mostly complete by the age of 12 or 13, depending on when a child reaches puberty. At that time, the youth will be completely responsible to Allah for all that he/she does. This does not mean that being a parent ends at that time, but it does highlight the significance of those early years and the crucial role that parents play. We need to build a solid foundation so that our children will make appropriate choices when the time comes.
For those who are in a society where adolescence is regarded as a distinct developmental phase, it is beneficial to understand some of its general characteristics. The perception that this time in life is one of turmoil and distress is related to the commonly held belief that parent-adolescent conflict is inevitable and that the difficulty will continue until the adolescent leaves home. Although this does occur in some families, it should not be considered the norm. Disagreements will obviously arise as the adolescent begins to assert his/her need for independence and control, which is accompanied by expanding cognitive ability and an emerging self-identity. Parents should respect their teenager's choices and foster his/her sense of responsibility, as long as the choices are not contrary to the principles of Islam. Youth should also be taught the fundamental Islamic value of being obedient and respectful to parents at an early age so that when correction is necessary it will be readily accepted. The use of these two strategies should be effective in preventing any serious parent-adolescent conflict from occurring. A positive note is that research has shown that although adolescents and their parents may differ about details of everyday life, they generally agree on issues related to basic values. This is another red flag to signify that we should be aware of the values that we are teaching our youth.
Socially, there is a reorganization during adolescence as more time is spent with peers, adult guidance is reduced and becomes more indirect, and participation in large social groups becomes important. The peer group becomes more influential and various forms of peer pressure may operate. Another positive note is that adolescents are more likely to go along with peer pressure that is prosocial than with pressure to misbehave. The peer group is also an important source of information, encouragement, and social connectedness as the person begins to learn his/her way around in the world. As Muslim parents, we should obviously be concerned about the type of information and encouragement that our youths receive and, by extension, the type of friends that they have. We should encourage them to form friendships and relationships with those who hold the same Islamic values that we are attempting to convey. Children who have developed a love for Islam will naturally follow in this path.
Adolescence can be a splendid time of life for both parents and youth as the transition occurs from childhood into adulthood. If the seeds of Islam have been planted from the beginning and watered and nurtured along the way, a beautiful, flowering plant will unfold. There should then be little worry about the many concerns that may appear during this time. Contrary to the belief that this is a time of conflict between parent and adolescent, it can actually be one of mutual growth, love, and respect. The parent-child relationship will change at this time as independence and accountability develop, but the new bond that occurs can be rewarding and fulfilling for both. May Allah, subhana wa ta'ala, help us to be exemplary parents and assist us in raising righteous children.
By Dr. Aisha Hamdan
The stage of adolescence is often seen as a time of turmoil and distress for both the teenagers and their parents. Parents worry about what kind of friends their teen will have, whether or not they will do well in school and decide to pursue their education further, and how much "control" they will have over their teen's decisions. Greater fears include problems with drugs or alcohol, trouble with the legal system, premarital relationships, and suicide. In addition to all of these issues, Muslim parents would be concerned about whether or not their adolescent will wear the hijab, perform salah correctly and on time, fast during the month of Ramadhan, avoid contact with members of the opposite gender, respect his/her parents and other adults. Dealing with all of these worries can be less stressful if a parent knows what to expect as their child enters this phase of development.
Adolescence is generally considered to begin around the age of 12 or 13 and end at 18 or 19. It is a period of transition between childhood and adulthood that is not at all universal. In many cultures and societies there is no such phase of development since marriage and the its associated responsibilities occur at an early age. Adolescence is present in other societies due to social, economic, and cultural factors that produce a gap between the ability to reproduce biologically and the societal expectations for reproduction. As Muslims, we need to contemplate the validity of this stage since we understand that accountability (Takleef) for our thoughts and actions begins at puberty (Buloogh). This means that even though we may not be an "adult" socially, we are considered to be one spiritually. Obviously this should bring up all kinds of red flags and warnings for parents as they realize that the task of parenting is mostly complete by the age of 12 or 13, depending on when a child reaches puberty. At that time, the youth will be completely responsible to Allah for all that he/she does. This does not mean that being a parent ends at that time, but it does highlight the significance of those early years and the crucial role that parents play. We need to build a solid foundation so that our children will make appropriate choices when the time comes.
For those who are in a society where adolescence is regarded as a distinct developmental phase, it is beneficial to understand some of its general characteristics. The perception that this time in life is one of turmoil and distress is related to the commonly held belief that parent-adolescent conflict is inevitable and that the difficulty will continue until the adolescent leaves home. Although this does occur in some families, it should not be considered the norm. Disagreements will obviously arise as the adolescent begins to assert his/her need for independence and control, which is accompanied by expanding cognitive ability and an emerging self-identity. Parents should respect their teenager's choices and foster his/her sense of responsibility, as long as the choices are not contrary to the principles of Islam. Youth should also be taught the fundamental Islamic value of being obedient and respectful to parents at an early age so that when correction is necessary it will be readily accepted. The use of these two strategies should be effective in preventing any serious parent-adolescent conflict from occurring. A positive note is that research has shown that although adolescents and their parents may differ about details of everyday life, they generally agree on issues related to basic values. This is another red flag to signify that we should be aware of the values that we are teaching our youth.
Socially, there is a reorganization during adolescence as more time is spent with peers, adult guidance is reduced and becomes more indirect, and participation in large social groups becomes important. The peer group becomes more influential and various forms of peer pressure may operate. Another positive note is that adolescents are more likely to go along with peer pressure that is prosocial than with pressure to misbehave. The peer group is also an important source of information, encouragement, and social connectedness as the person begins to learn his/her way around in the world. As Muslim parents, we should obviously be concerned about the type of information and encouragement that our youths receive and, by extension, the type of friends that they have. We should encourage them to form friendships and relationships with those who hold the same Islamic values that we are attempting to convey. Children who have developed a love for Islam will naturally follow in this path.
Adolescence can be a splendid time of life for both parents and youth as the transition occurs from childhood into adulthood. If the seeds of Islam have been planted from the beginning and watered and nurtured along the way, a beautiful, flowering plant will unfold. There should then be little worry about the many concerns that may appear during this time. Contrary to the belief that this is a time of conflict between parent and adolescent, it can actually be one of mutual growth, love, and respect. The parent-child relationship will change at this time as independence and accountability develop, but the new bond that occurs can be rewarding and fulfilling for both. May Allah, subhana wa ta'ala, help us to be exemplary parents and assist us in raising righteous children.
The Mindless Dating Game: Happiness or Heartbreak
The Mindless Dating Game: Happiness or Heartbreak
Reprinted from As-Sahwah.com
The article below deals with one of the major problems faced by the Muslim Youth today, in particular, those raised in the west. The author gives us an insight into the harsh reality of these “love relationships” that the western culture teaches our youth, coating them with sweet pictures of two hearts loving each other on first sight, and after little ups and downs, finally end up marrying each other and have a happy ending. Where as the reality is indeed far away from it as the sister brilliantly demonstrates.
Many unmarried people these days search for “love” in a series of premarital relationships, which far from yielding happiness, lead to nothing but spiritual degeneration, loss of self-respect, heartache and misery.
When the average girl reaches the age of ten or eleven, she - sometimes with the knowledge of her parents, sometimes without their knowledge - becomes engrossed in and obsessed with the teen romance novel: a blonde, blue-eyed girl, with a perfect size 10 figure, falls in love with the football hero of the school, a few complications on the way (nothing major, of course), but things end happily ever after. In these novels, girl and boy might hold hands, or there might even be a kiss, thrown in somewhere along the line.
By the time the impressionable reader of these novels reaches her teens, she is sick of these story lines... and is searching for more. And is most cases, “more” is usually available right there in her home, tucked away at the bottom of her mother’s cupboard, in the form of adult romance novels.
The holding hands, and the kissing has now made way for much more, as details of pre-marital passion, and the fulfilment thereof are graphically spelt out on these pages. The reader is told what the “perfect body” is supposed to look like, the notion that sexual intercourse before marriage is sweet and romantic seeps through these pages... the feelings of degradation, and the many possible consequences thereof are conveniently left out.
A fairy tale is a fairy tale, we tell ourselves, a book is a book...they have no implications on real life. Surely our daughters understand and accept this...
But we are deluding ourselves. These same “harmless” fairytales and books, have a detrimental effect on the thinking, lifestyles and attitudes of our children. The first “crush”/infatuation our daughters experience in relation to members of the opposite sex, is often linked to false perceptions about “dating,” perceptions to which a wide variety of factors contribute. And one of the main factors painting a sugar and candy image of pre-marital romances, are these shallow bits of reading material that our daughters are exposed to.
It is no strange co-incidence that girls grow up believing that a boyfriend is the key to happiness...after all they have barely started walking, when the stories of the poor ill-treated Cinderella, saved only by a dashing prince, and the beautiful Snow White woken up by a prince, and the doomed Rapunzel, saved from the tower by a dashing hero, are told to them.
When they read romance novels, this theory is further reinforced - for, in the classic teen romance novel, the girl without a boyfriend, or “sweet sixteen and never been kissed” is the poor laughing stock who doesn’t have a date to the prom. And on the pages of a typical adult romance novel, the heroine is always a successful, beautiful career woman, but, she feels, that "something” is lacking in her life... and that “something” is naturally a man.
It is improbable that the average teenager, would just read these books, and that there would be no impact on her mind. It is usually exactly the opposite: she wishes she was the person on the pages of the book, and transfers her fantasies to her real life. She might see someone at school, who is popular, and good-looking [i.e. the football hero], and so begins her first painful crush, which is accompanied of course, by sending him anonymous ‘Valentine’s Day' cards, or calling him and playing songs over the phone. Shaitaan has set his trap, and the temptation to sin heightens, and each time the temptation is given in to, the girl becomes more daring. By the time the boy asks her out, her nafs has gotten the better of her, and her head is so filled with the notions of how sweet holding hands before that first kiss must be, she cannot resist.
And so begins a “relationship.” But this has all the ingredients that a classic romance novel does not....for those candy-coated pages do not tell you about the heartbreak, the tears, the mood swings and the countless negative aspects that are the central to these relationships. Nor do not tell you about the degradation and the loss of self-respect with which people, especially women, emerge after these relationships.
For there is no peace, no tranquillity in such relationships. The daily cycle, the moods, everything about the individual is affected. There is a certain sort of darkness, a restlessness which fills the heart, and this restlessness affects the rest of the family too. For it is now that all the arguments with the parents start: “Why can’t I go out tonight? All my friends are going!”
And there are the mood swings and the fluctuating eating habits. If the phone doesn’t ring, then it’s a case of “I don’t feel like eating.” Then there is dishonesty... unable to tell her parents where she really wants to go, she makes the excuse of having to go to the library to study for tomorrow’s test.
The ending of each relationship is most often marked by a long periods of torture, in which the girl has to “get over” the boy. Everyday life becomes a misery...her marks drop, daily moods start to depend on the current state of her relationship with the boy and many girls, totally misled by Shaitaan, even make dua for a “reconciliation.” During this period the girl is ravaged by guilt, because deep down in her heart, she is aware that what she has done is haraam, and she also feels guilty about lying to her parents. If there was a physical aspect to her relationship, then these feelings of guilt are deeply accentuated and coupled with a total loss of self-respect.
In the worst possible scenario, which frequently happens, the girl, in an effort to improve her “self image,” may turn to various other habits such as smoking, clubbing, drinking and drugs, or she may embark on a series of flings just to make herself feel “special” again.
In short, the “relationships” so sweetly portrayed in romance novels, which speak only of chocolates, flowers and happiness, end right there: on the pages of the novel. In real life, such relationships lead to nothing but unhappiness and heartache. For how can there be any real happiness in a “love” inspired by Shaitaan? This type of “love,” far from being pure and sacred, falls into the category of fornication.
Regarding fornication, Allah Ta’ala says in the Holy Qur’aan:
“The woman and man guilty of adultery of fornication, flog each of them with a hundred stripes: let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day: And let a party of the Believers witness their punishment.” [Surah An-Nur: 2]
How can there be any long term happiness in a sin for which the punishment prescribed is so severe? However, while keeping in mind the above injunction, we should also not despair of the Mercy of Allah Ta’ala... for we cannot even comprehend the vastness of Allah's Mercy.
We need to realise and to tell ourselves that there is only temporary satisfaction of the nafs in a pre-marital relationship, and we need to terminate any such relationship which we might be involved in, and sincerely make taubah (repentance) to Allah. As difficult as it might be to end such relationships, once we realise and acknowledge to ourselves that the novels to which we are exposed to from such an early age are totally based on a kafir (disbelieving) way of life, which appears to be very appealing from the outside, but which bears no contentment and no real happiness, it will Insha'Allah, be easy to do so.
In addition to painting a rosy picture of dating, these books also create a very wrong concept of what the ideal partner should be like. It is obvious that since they are kafir publications, there is no stress on piety, good akhlaaq, honesty and all the other qualities people should be searching for in a potential marriage partner. Instead these books promote superficial thinking, with all their emphasis on good looks, perfect 10 figures, star football players, flashy cars, etc.
Parents should closely monitor the reading material which their children bring home and should teach their children about the beauty of nikaah (marriage). We should realise, that while it is natural to be embarrassed to discuss such aspects of Islam with them, it is infinitely better for them that we impart the correct knowledge of an Islamic way of life to them, than to allow them to acquire the totally wrong concept of love from books, television, movies, and their friends and environment.
It should be explained to each teenager that the pre-marital relationships, the engagements, etc to which we attach such a great deal of importance in this world have nothing but a negative bearing on our lives in the aakhirah (hereafter). It should be time and time again instilled into their minds that pre-marital relationships are a sin, while nikaah is an ibaadah (worship).
Allah Ta’ala has created men and women with natural desires, and He has created nikaah as an institution in which these desires maybe fulfilled. A nikaah in which both, husband and wife are striving to fulfill their obligations to Allah Ta’ala, such a nikaah will be filled with the mutual respect, love and inevitably, the contentment, which we hopelessly search for in pre-marital relationships. Within the sacred context of a nikaah, in which both parties are obedient to Allah Ta’ala, and adhere to His Commandments, there can be no room for the loss of respect, feelings of degradation, etc. which goes hand-in-hand with “going out” with or “dating” someone.
We should always bear in mind that should we die in the company of a boyfriend or a girlfriend or even a fiancé, we will be leaving this world having spent our last few moments of this life in the company of a non-Mahram, and perhaps in the commission of a sin against Allah and against ourselves.
Reprinted from As-Sahwah.com
The article below deals with one of the major problems faced by the Muslim Youth today, in particular, those raised in the west. The author gives us an insight into the harsh reality of these “love relationships” that the western culture teaches our youth, coating them with sweet pictures of two hearts loving each other on first sight, and after little ups and downs, finally end up marrying each other and have a happy ending. Where as the reality is indeed far away from it as the sister brilliantly demonstrates.
Many unmarried people these days search for “love” in a series of premarital relationships, which far from yielding happiness, lead to nothing but spiritual degeneration, loss of self-respect, heartache and misery.
When the average girl reaches the age of ten or eleven, she - sometimes with the knowledge of her parents, sometimes without their knowledge - becomes engrossed in and obsessed with the teen romance novel: a blonde, blue-eyed girl, with a perfect size 10 figure, falls in love with the football hero of the school, a few complications on the way (nothing major, of course), but things end happily ever after. In these novels, girl and boy might hold hands, or there might even be a kiss, thrown in somewhere along the line.
By the time the impressionable reader of these novels reaches her teens, she is sick of these story lines... and is searching for more. And is most cases, “more” is usually available right there in her home, tucked away at the bottom of her mother’s cupboard, in the form of adult romance novels.
The holding hands, and the kissing has now made way for much more, as details of pre-marital passion, and the fulfilment thereof are graphically spelt out on these pages. The reader is told what the “perfect body” is supposed to look like, the notion that sexual intercourse before marriage is sweet and romantic seeps through these pages... the feelings of degradation, and the many possible consequences thereof are conveniently left out.
A fairy tale is a fairy tale, we tell ourselves, a book is a book...they have no implications on real life. Surely our daughters understand and accept this...
But we are deluding ourselves. These same “harmless” fairytales and books, have a detrimental effect on the thinking, lifestyles and attitudes of our children. The first “crush”/infatuation our daughters experience in relation to members of the opposite sex, is often linked to false perceptions about “dating,” perceptions to which a wide variety of factors contribute. And one of the main factors painting a sugar and candy image of pre-marital romances, are these shallow bits of reading material that our daughters are exposed to.
It is no strange co-incidence that girls grow up believing that a boyfriend is the key to happiness...after all they have barely started walking, when the stories of the poor ill-treated Cinderella, saved only by a dashing prince, and the beautiful Snow White woken up by a prince, and the doomed Rapunzel, saved from the tower by a dashing hero, are told to them.
When they read romance novels, this theory is further reinforced - for, in the classic teen romance novel, the girl without a boyfriend, or “sweet sixteen and never been kissed” is the poor laughing stock who doesn’t have a date to the prom. And on the pages of a typical adult romance novel, the heroine is always a successful, beautiful career woman, but, she feels, that "something” is lacking in her life... and that “something” is naturally a man.
It is improbable that the average teenager, would just read these books, and that there would be no impact on her mind. It is usually exactly the opposite: she wishes she was the person on the pages of the book, and transfers her fantasies to her real life. She might see someone at school, who is popular, and good-looking [i.e. the football hero], and so begins her first painful crush, which is accompanied of course, by sending him anonymous ‘Valentine’s Day' cards, or calling him and playing songs over the phone. Shaitaan has set his trap, and the temptation to sin heightens, and each time the temptation is given in to, the girl becomes more daring. By the time the boy asks her out, her nafs has gotten the better of her, and her head is so filled with the notions of how sweet holding hands before that first kiss must be, she cannot resist.
And so begins a “relationship.” But this has all the ingredients that a classic romance novel does not....for those candy-coated pages do not tell you about the heartbreak, the tears, the mood swings and the countless negative aspects that are the central to these relationships. Nor do not tell you about the degradation and the loss of self-respect with which people, especially women, emerge after these relationships.
For there is no peace, no tranquillity in such relationships. The daily cycle, the moods, everything about the individual is affected. There is a certain sort of darkness, a restlessness which fills the heart, and this restlessness affects the rest of the family too. For it is now that all the arguments with the parents start: “Why can’t I go out tonight? All my friends are going!”
And there are the mood swings and the fluctuating eating habits. If the phone doesn’t ring, then it’s a case of “I don’t feel like eating.” Then there is dishonesty... unable to tell her parents where she really wants to go, she makes the excuse of having to go to the library to study for tomorrow’s test.
The ending of each relationship is most often marked by a long periods of torture, in which the girl has to “get over” the boy. Everyday life becomes a misery...her marks drop, daily moods start to depend on the current state of her relationship with the boy and many girls, totally misled by Shaitaan, even make dua for a “reconciliation.” During this period the girl is ravaged by guilt, because deep down in her heart, she is aware that what she has done is haraam, and she also feels guilty about lying to her parents. If there was a physical aspect to her relationship, then these feelings of guilt are deeply accentuated and coupled with a total loss of self-respect.
In the worst possible scenario, which frequently happens, the girl, in an effort to improve her “self image,” may turn to various other habits such as smoking, clubbing, drinking and drugs, or she may embark on a series of flings just to make herself feel “special” again.
In short, the “relationships” so sweetly portrayed in romance novels, which speak only of chocolates, flowers and happiness, end right there: on the pages of the novel. In real life, such relationships lead to nothing but unhappiness and heartache. For how can there be any real happiness in a “love” inspired by Shaitaan? This type of “love,” far from being pure and sacred, falls into the category of fornication.
Regarding fornication, Allah Ta’ala says in the Holy Qur’aan:
“The woman and man guilty of adultery of fornication, flog each of them with a hundred stripes: let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day: And let a party of the Believers witness their punishment.” [Surah An-Nur: 2]
How can there be any long term happiness in a sin for which the punishment prescribed is so severe? However, while keeping in mind the above injunction, we should also not despair of the Mercy of Allah Ta’ala... for we cannot even comprehend the vastness of Allah's Mercy.
We need to realise and to tell ourselves that there is only temporary satisfaction of the nafs in a pre-marital relationship, and we need to terminate any such relationship which we might be involved in, and sincerely make taubah (repentance) to Allah. As difficult as it might be to end such relationships, once we realise and acknowledge to ourselves that the novels to which we are exposed to from such an early age are totally based on a kafir (disbelieving) way of life, which appears to be very appealing from the outside, but which bears no contentment and no real happiness, it will Insha'Allah, be easy to do so.
In addition to painting a rosy picture of dating, these books also create a very wrong concept of what the ideal partner should be like. It is obvious that since they are kafir publications, there is no stress on piety, good akhlaaq, honesty and all the other qualities people should be searching for in a potential marriage partner. Instead these books promote superficial thinking, with all their emphasis on good looks, perfect 10 figures, star football players, flashy cars, etc.
Parents should closely monitor the reading material which their children bring home and should teach their children about the beauty of nikaah (marriage). We should realise, that while it is natural to be embarrassed to discuss such aspects of Islam with them, it is infinitely better for them that we impart the correct knowledge of an Islamic way of life to them, than to allow them to acquire the totally wrong concept of love from books, television, movies, and their friends and environment.
It should be explained to each teenager that the pre-marital relationships, the engagements, etc to which we attach such a great deal of importance in this world have nothing but a negative bearing on our lives in the aakhirah (hereafter). It should be time and time again instilled into their minds that pre-marital relationships are a sin, while nikaah is an ibaadah (worship).
Allah Ta’ala has created men and women with natural desires, and He has created nikaah as an institution in which these desires maybe fulfilled. A nikaah in which both, husband and wife are striving to fulfill their obligations to Allah Ta’ala, such a nikaah will be filled with the mutual respect, love and inevitably, the contentment, which we hopelessly search for in pre-marital relationships. Within the sacred context of a nikaah, in which both parties are obedient to Allah Ta’ala, and adhere to His Commandments, there can be no room for the loss of respect, feelings of degradation, etc. which goes hand-in-hand with “going out” with or “dating” someone.
We should always bear in mind that should we die in the company of a boyfriend or a girlfriend or even a fiancé, we will be leaving this world having spent our last few moments of this life in the company of a non-Mahram, and perhaps in the commission of a sin against Allah and against ourselves.
The Mindless Dating Game: Happiness or Heartbreak
The Mindless Dating Game: Happiness or Heartbreak
Reprinted from As-Sahwah.com
The article below deals with one of the major problems faced by the Muslim Youth today, in particular, those raised in the west. The author gives us an insight into the harsh reality of these “love relationships” that the western culture teaches our youth, coating them with sweet pictures of two hearts loving each other on first sight, and after little ups and downs, finally end up marrying each other and have a happy ending. Where as the reality is indeed far away from it as the sister brilliantly demonstrates.
Many unmarried people these days search for “love” in a series of premarital relationships, which far from yielding happiness, lead to nothing but spiritual degeneration, loss of self-respect, heartache and misery.
When the average girl reaches the age of ten or eleven, she - sometimes with the knowledge of her parents, sometimes without their knowledge - becomes engrossed in and obsessed with the teen romance novel: a blonde, blue-eyed girl, with a perfect size 10 figure, falls in love with the football hero of the school, a few complications on the way (nothing major, of course), but things end happily ever after. In these novels, girl and boy might hold hands, or there might even be a kiss, thrown in somewhere along the line.
By the time the impressionable reader of these novels reaches her teens, she is sick of these story lines... and is searching for more. And is most cases, “more” is usually available right there in her home, tucked away at the bottom of her mother’s cupboard, in the form of adult romance novels.
The holding hands, and the kissing has now made way for much more, as details of pre-marital passion, and the fulfilment thereof are graphically spelt out on these pages. The reader is told what the “perfect body” is supposed to look like, the notion that sexual intercourse before marriage is sweet and romantic seeps through these pages... the feelings of degradation, and the many possible consequences thereof are conveniently left out.
A fairy tale is a fairy tale, we tell ourselves, a book is a book...they have no implications on real life. Surely our daughters understand and accept this...
But we are deluding ourselves. These same “harmless” fairytales and books, have a detrimental effect on the thinking, lifestyles and attitudes of our children. The first “crush”/infatuation our daughters experience in relation to members of the opposite sex, is often linked to false perceptions about “dating,” perceptions to which a wide variety of factors contribute. And one of the main factors painting a sugar and candy image of pre-marital romances, are these shallow bits of reading material that our daughters are exposed to.
It is no strange co-incidence that girls grow up believing that a boyfriend is the key to happiness...after all they have barely started walking, when the stories of the poor ill-treated Cinderella, saved only by a dashing prince, and the beautiful Snow White woken up by a prince, and the doomed Rapunzel, saved from the tower by a dashing hero, are told to them.
When they read romance novels, this theory is further reinforced - for, in the classic teen romance novel, the girl without a boyfriend, or “sweet sixteen and never been kissed” is the poor laughing stock who doesn’t have a date to the prom. And on the pages of a typical adult romance novel, the heroine is always a successful, beautiful career woman, but, she feels, that "something” is lacking in her life... and that “something” is naturally a man.
It is improbable that the average teenager, would just read these books, and that there would be no impact on her mind. It is usually exactly the opposite: she wishes she was the person on the pages of the book, and transfers her fantasies to her real life. She might see someone at school, who is popular, and good-looking [i.e. the football hero], and so begins her first painful crush, which is accompanied of course, by sending him anonymous ‘Valentine’s Day' cards, or calling him and playing songs over the phone. Shaitaan has set his trap, and the temptation to sin heightens, and each time the temptation is given in to, the girl becomes more daring. By the time the boy asks her out, her nafs has gotten the better of her, and her head is so filled with the notions of how sweet holding hands before that first kiss must be, she cannot resist.
And so begins a “relationship.” But this has all the ingredients that a classic romance novel does not....for those candy-coated pages do not tell you about the heartbreak, the tears, the mood swings and the countless negative aspects that are the central to these relationships. Nor do not tell you about the degradation and the loss of self-respect with which people, especially women, emerge after these relationships.
For there is no peace, no tranquillity in such relationships. The daily cycle, the moods, everything about the individual is affected. There is a certain sort of darkness, a restlessness which fills the heart, and this restlessness affects the rest of the family too. For it is now that all the arguments with the parents start: “Why can’t I go out tonight? All my friends are going!”
And there are the mood swings and the fluctuating eating habits. If the phone doesn’t ring, then it’s a case of “I don’t feel like eating.” Then there is dishonesty... unable to tell her parents where she really wants to go, she makes the excuse of having to go to the library to study for tomorrow’s test.
The ending of each relationship is most often marked by a long periods of torture, in which the girl has to “get over” the boy. Everyday life becomes a misery...her marks drop, daily moods start to depend on the current state of her relationship with the boy and many girls, totally misled by Shaitaan, even make dua for a “reconciliation.” During this period the girl is ravaged by guilt, because deep down in her heart, she is aware that what she has done is haraam, and she also feels guilty about lying to her parents. If there was a physical aspect to her relationship, then these feelings of guilt are deeply accentuated and coupled with a total loss of self-respect.
In the worst possible scenario, which frequently happens, the girl, in an effort to improve her “self image,” may turn to various other habits such as smoking, clubbing, drinking and drugs, or she may embark on a series of flings just to make herself feel “special” again.
In short, the “relationships” so sweetly portrayed in romance novels, which speak only of chocolates, flowers and happiness, end right there: on the pages of the novel. In real life, such relationships lead to nothing but unhappiness and heartache. For how can there be any real happiness in a “love” inspired by Shaitaan? This type of “love,” far from being pure and sacred, falls into the category of fornication.
Regarding fornication, Allah Ta’ala says in the Holy Qur’aan:
“The woman and man guilty of adultery of fornication, flog each of them with a hundred stripes: let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day: And let a party of the Believers witness their punishment.” [Surah An-Nur: 2]
How can there be any long term happiness in a sin for which the punishment prescribed is so severe? However, while keeping in mind the above injunction, we should also not despair of the Mercy of Allah Ta’ala... for we cannot even comprehend the vastness of Allah's Mercy.
We need to realise and to tell ourselves that there is only temporary satisfaction of the nafs in a pre-marital relationship, and we need to terminate any such relationship which we might be involved in, and sincerely make taubah (repentance) to Allah. As difficult as it might be to end such relationships, once we realise and acknowledge to ourselves that the novels to which we are exposed to from such an early age are totally based on a kafir (disbelieving) way of life, which appears to be very appealing from the outside, but which bears no contentment and no real happiness, it will Insha'Allah, be easy to do so.
In addition to painting a rosy picture of dating, these books also create a very wrong concept of what the ideal partner should be like. It is obvious that since they are kafir publications, there is no stress on piety, good akhlaaq, honesty and all the other qualities people should be searching for in a potential marriage partner. Instead these books promote superficial thinking, with all their emphasis on good looks, perfect 10 figures, star football players, flashy cars, etc.
Parents should closely monitor the reading material which their children bring home and should teach their children about the beauty of nikaah (marriage). We should realise, that while it is natural to be embarrassed to discuss such aspects of Islam with them, it is infinitely better for them that we impart the correct knowledge of an Islamic way of life to them, than to allow them to acquire the totally wrong concept of love from books, television, movies, and their friends and environment.
It should be explained to each teenager that the pre-marital relationships, the engagements, etc to which we attach such a great deal of importance in this world have nothing but a negative bearing on our lives in the aakhirah (hereafter). It should be time and time again instilled into their minds that pre-marital relationships are a sin, while nikaah is an ibaadah (worship).
Allah Ta’ala has created men and women with natural desires, and He has created nikaah as an institution in which these desires maybe fulfilled. A nikaah in which both, husband and wife are striving to fulfill their obligations to Allah Ta’ala, such a nikaah will be filled with the mutual respect, love and inevitably, the contentment, which we hopelessly search for in pre-marital relationships. Within the sacred context of a nikaah, in which both parties are obedient to Allah Ta’ala, and adhere to His Commandments, there can be no room for the loss of respect, feelings of degradation, etc. which goes hand-in-hand with “going out” with or “dating” someone.
We should always bear in mind that should we die in the company of a boyfriend or a girlfriend or even a fiancé, we will be leaving this world having spent our last few moments of this life in the company of a non-Mahram, and perhaps in the commission of a sin against Allah and against ourselves.
Reprinted from As-Sahwah.com
The article below deals with one of the major problems faced by the Muslim Youth today, in particular, those raised in the west. The author gives us an insight into the harsh reality of these “love relationships” that the western culture teaches our youth, coating them with sweet pictures of two hearts loving each other on first sight, and after little ups and downs, finally end up marrying each other and have a happy ending. Where as the reality is indeed far away from it as the sister brilliantly demonstrates.
Many unmarried people these days search for “love” in a series of premarital relationships, which far from yielding happiness, lead to nothing but spiritual degeneration, loss of self-respect, heartache and misery.
When the average girl reaches the age of ten or eleven, she - sometimes with the knowledge of her parents, sometimes without their knowledge - becomes engrossed in and obsessed with the teen romance novel: a blonde, blue-eyed girl, with a perfect size 10 figure, falls in love with the football hero of the school, a few complications on the way (nothing major, of course), but things end happily ever after. In these novels, girl and boy might hold hands, or there might even be a kiss, thrown in somewhere along the line.
By the time the impressionable reader of these novels reaches her teens, she is sick of these story lines... and is searching for more. And is most cases, “more” is usually available right there in her home, tucked away at the bottom of her mother’s cupboard, in the form of adult romance novels.
The holding hands, and the kissing has now made way for much more, as details of pre-marital passion, and the fulfilment thereof are graphically spelt out on these pages. The reader is told what the “perfect body” is supposed to look like, the notion that sexual intercourse before marriage is sweet and romantic seeps through these pages... the feelings of degradation, and the many possible consequences thereof are conveniently left out.
A fairy tale is a fairy tale, we tell ourselves, a book is a book...they have no implications on real life. Surely our daughters understand and accept this...
But we are deluding ourselves. These same “harmless” fairytales and books, have a detrimental effect on the thinking, lifestyles and attitudes of our children. The first “crush”/infatuation our daughters experience in relation to members of the opposite sex, is often linked to false perceptions about “dating,” perceptions to which a wide variety of factors contribute. And one of the main factors painting a sugar and candy image of pre-marital romances, are these shallow bits of reading material that our daughters are exposed to.
It is no strange co-incidence that girls grow up believing that a boyfriend is the key to happiness...after all they have barely started walking, when the stories of the poor ill-treated Cinderella, saved only by a dashing prince, and the beautiful Snow White woken up by a prince, and the doomed Rapunzel, saved from the tower by a dashing hero, are told to them.
When they read romance novels, this theory is further reinforced - for, in the classic teen romance novel, the girl without a boyfriend, or “sweet sixteen and never been kissed” is the poor laughing stock who doesn’t have a date to the prom. And on the pages of a typical adult romance novel, the heroine is always a successful, beautiful career woman, but, she feels, that "something” is lacking in her life... and that “something” is naturally a man.
It is improbable that the average teenager, would just read these books, and that there would be no impact on her mind. It is usually exactly the opposite: she wishes she was the person on the pages of the book, and transfers her fantasies to her real life. She might see someone at school, who is popular, and good-looking [i.e. the football hero], and so begins her first painful crush, which is accompanied of course, by sending him anonymous ‘Valentine’s Day' cards, or calling him and playing songs over the phone. Shaitaan has set his trap, and the temptation to sin heightens, and each time the temptation is given in to, the girl becomes more daring. By the time the boy asks her out, her nafs has gotten the better of her, and her head is so filled with the notions of how sweet holding hands before that first kiss must be, she cannot resist.
And so begins a “relationship.” But this has all the ingredients that a classic romance novel does not....for those candy-coated pages do not tell you about the heartbreak, the tears, the mood swings and the countless negative aspects that are the central to these relationships. Nor do not tell you about the degradation and the loss of self-respect with which people, especially women, emerge after these relationships.
For there is no peace, no tranquillity in such relationships. The daily cycle, the moods, everything about the individual is affected. There is a certain sort of darkness, a restlessness which fills the heart, and this restlessness affects the rest of the family too. For it is now that all the arguments with the parents start: “Why can’t I go out tonight? All my friends are going!”
And there are the mood swings and the fluctuating eating habits. If the phone doesn’t ring, then it’s a case of “I don’t feel like eating.” Then there is dishonesty... unable to tell her parents where she really wants to go, she makes the excuse of having to go to the library to study for tomorrow’s test.
The ending of each relationship is most often marked by a long periods of torture, in which the girl has to “get over” the boy. Everyday life becomes a misery...her marks drop, daily moods start to depend on the current state of her relationship with the boy and many girls, totally misled by Shaitaan, even make dua for a “reconciliation.” During this period the girl is ravaged by guilt, because deep down in her heart, she is aware that what she has done is haraam, and she also feels guilty about lying to her parents. If there was a physical aspect to her relationship, then these feelings of guilt are deeply accentuated and coupled with a total loss of self-respect.
In the worst possible scenario, which frequently happens, the girl, in an effort to improve her “self image,” may turn to various other habits such as smoking, clubbing, drinking and drugs, or she may embark on a series of flings just to make herself feel “special” again.
In short, the “relationships” so sweetly portrayed in romance novels, which speak only of chocolates, flowers and happiness, end right there: on the pages of the novel. In real life, such relationships lead to nothing but unhappiness and heartache. For how can there be any real happiness in a “love” inspired by Shaitaan? This type of “love,” far from being pure and sacred, falls into the category of fornication.
Regarding fornication, Allah Ta’ala says in the Holy Qur’aan:
“The woman and man guilty of adultery of fornication, flog each of them with a hundred stripes: let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day: And let a party of the Believers witness their punishment.” [Surah An-Nur: 2]
How can there be any long term happiness in a sin for which the punishment prescribed is so severe? However, while keeping in mind the above injunction, we should also not despair of the Mercy of Allah Ta’ala... for we cannot even comprehend the vastness of Allah's Mercy.
We need to realise and to tell ourselves that there is only temporary satisfaction of the nafs in a pre-marital relationship, and we need to terminate any such relationship which we might be involved in, and sincerely make taubah (repentance) to Allah. As difficult as it might be to end such relationships, once we realise and acknowledge to ourselves that the novels to which we are exposed to from such an early age are totally based on a kafir (disbelieving) way of life, which appears to be very appealing from the outside, but which bears no contentment and no real happiness, it will Insha'Allah, be easy to do so.
In addition to painting a rosy picture of dating, these books also create a very wrong concept of what the ideal partner should be like. It is obvious that since they are kafir publications, there is no stress on piety, good akhlaaq, honesty and all the other qualities people should be searching for in a potential marriage partner. Instead these books promote superficial thinking, with all their emphasis on good looks, perfect 10 figures, star football players, flashy cars, etc.
Parents should closely monitor the reading material which their children bring home and should teach their children about the beauty of nikaah (marriage). We should realise, that while it is natural to be embarrassed to discuss such aspects of Islam with them, it is infinitely better for them that we impart the correct knowledge of an Islamic way of life to them, than to allow them to acquire the totally wrong concept of love from books, television, movies, and their friends and environment.
It should be explained to each teenager that the pre-marital relationships, the engagements, etc to which we attach such a great deal of importance in this world have nothing but a negative bearing on our lives in the aakhirah (hereafter). It should be time and time again instilled into their minds that pre-marital relationships are a sin, while nikaah is an ibaadah (worship).
Allah Ta’ala has created men and women with natural desires, and He has created nikaah as an institution in which these desires maybe fulfilled. A nikaah in which both, husband and wife are striving to fulfill their obligations to Allah Ta’ala, such a nikaah will be filled with the mutual respect, love and inevitably, the contentment, which we hopelessly search for in pre-marital relationships. Within the sacred context of a nikaah, in which both parties are obedient to Allah Ta’ala, and adhere to His Commandments, there can be no room for the loss of respect, feelings of degradation, etc. which goes hand-in-hand with “going out” with or “dating” someone.
We should always bear in mind that should we die in the company of a boyfriend or a girlfriend or even a fiancé, we will be leaving this world having spent our last few moments of this life in the company of a non-Mahram, and perhaps in the commission of a sin against Allah and against ourselves.
Proud to be a "Stranger
Proud to be a "Stranger"
By Amber Rehman
Source: Soundvision.com
Abdullah ibn Masud, said: "The Prophet (saw) said, 'Islam began as something strange, and it will revert to being strange as it was in the beginning, so good tidings for the strangers.' Some asked, 'Who are the strangers?' He said, 'The ones who break away from their people (literally, 'tribes') for the sake of Islam.'" (Sahih Muslim, Ibn Majah)
There is an incredible lesson in the above Hadith, which we need to repeat to ourselves over and over again. As a 20-year-old Muslima, I find my practice of Islam feeling stranger by the day. There is a norm that we have to live up to in this society, and if we don't meet it, we will be called strangers.
Did amazing in school and could talk my way out of anything
When I was in high school, I was an average, overachieving teenager, with a serious superficial streak. I did amazing in school, could talk my way out of anything, and had to look as though I belonged on the modeling runways, that were called the high
school hallways.
A great education and an even better career lay ahead of me. I was the master of my own destiny, what more could I ask for?
I was no longer in control
While I was planning my Sweet 16 bash, my grandfather, who I loved a lot, fell ill and passed away.
Suddenly I wasn't in control. I saw someone moving on to the unknown. I had never been so near death before.
The realization hit then, that the tangible wasn't the ultimate reality. I could no longer find reason, purpose or consolation in good grades, praise or even good looks.
Everything lost its meaning for I saw my grandfather, without his worldly possessions, in a shroud. The only things he could take with him were his deeds and intentions.
Everything finally made sense, for as I prayed for Allah to give him ease in his grave, I thought of mine, as I prayed to meet him again in the Akhira, I had to think of preserving mine.
All I had ever strived for fell to pieces
As the Quran replaced my pointless and juicy novels, I realized that of all creation, Allah has created us with a conscious, and free will. Why would we let our free will work against us?
Family, friends, and fortune are all relative, they would go as easy as they came. We had to take everything as a teacher, and learn to do better for the sake of our souls.
Could not be alone with myself
With all of this it became apparent, that living with the norm of society, I wasn't allowed to be alone with myself. I had to be surrounded with friends, or be reading some novel or other, and the music was always blaring in the background.
Feeling strangeness
Silence was deafening, and noise was the only peace. To communicate with Allah, and to pray, I felt strangeness when there was silence accompanied by peace as my heart turned to my Lord.
Working to please myself, would've only given me peace in this life, but just the mere intention of doing things for the sake of Allah, would preserve this life and the next.
Other young Muslims who were once with me have lost the strangeness
Five years have passed since that epiphanous age of mine and now I find my brothers and sisters, who had commenced the search with me are now leaving the Deen.
The folds of Islam are not satisfactory any more. When I ask them why their only answer is that Islam did not give anything back to them as a social system as a community. It did not feed their needs and their spiritual thirst. It had to do with the harshness of other Muslims.
I wonder about this a lot since it affects my faith as well as the faith of those who say it. Even though Allah has created us and has preferred us as a Jamaah the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) still acknowledged the time when there would be people struggling alone for righteousness.
And the only answer I can come up with is that this world is mostly a sowing ground. We can't reap everything here. That's why there is a day of accountability which will restore justice and mercy.
The strangeness does go away
Now as I struggle to maintain my Islam, I find practicing my faith in this world feels strange only so long as I surround myself with worldly things and people. When I turn to Allah's creation, I feel the strangeness fade away.
If nature, as it is subservient to the Will of the Creator, has harmony when the wind blows and rustles its leaves, I don't see why our souls and hearts can't move to the same command.
In our time, and our part of the world, if nothing is strange and nothing immoral, I guess it's only good then, if we feel connected to the strange.
'Good tidings for the strangers.'
By Amber Rehman
Source: Soundvision.com
Abdullah ibn Masud, said: "The Prophet (saw) said, 'Islam began as something strange, and it will revert to being strange as it was in the beginning, so good tidings for the strangers.' Some asked, 'Who are the strangers?' He said, 'The ones who break away from their people (literally, 'tribes') for the sake of Islam.'" (Sahih Muslim, Ibn Majah)
There is an incredible lesson in the above Hadith, which we need to repeat to ourselves over and over again. As a 20-year-old Muslima, I find my practice of Islam feeling stranger by the day. There is a norm that we have to live up to in this society, and if we don't meet it, we will be called strangers.
Did amazing in school and could talk my way out of anything
When I was in high school, I was an average, overachieving teenager, with a serious superficial streak. I did amazing in school, could talk my way out of anything, and had to look as though I belonged on the modeling runways, that were called the high
school hallways.
A great education and an even better career lay ahead of me. I was the master of my own destiny, what more could I ask for?
I was no longer in control
While I was planning my Sweet 16 bash, my grandfather, who I loved a lot, fell ill and passed away.
Suddenly I wasn't in control. I saw someone moving on to the unknown. I had never been so near death before.
The realization hit then, that the tangible wasn't the ultimate reality. I could no longer find reason, purpose or consolation in good grades, praise or even good looks.
Everything lost its meaning for I saw my grandfather, without his worldly possessions, in a shroud. The only things he could take with him were his deeds and intentions.
Everything finally made sense, for as I prayed for Allah to give him ease in his grave, I thought of mine, as I prayed to meet him again in the Akhira, I had to think of preserving mine.
All I had ever strived for fell to pieces
As the Quran replaced my pointless and juicy novels, I realized that of all creation, Allah has created us with a conscious, and free will. Why would we let our free will work against us?
Family, friends, and fortune are all relative, they would go as easy as they came. We had to take everything as a teacher, and learn to do better for the sake of our souls.
Could not be alone with myself
With all of this it became apparent, that living with the norm of society, I wasn't allowed to be alone with myself. I had to be surrounded with friends, or be reading some novel or other, and the music was always blaring in the background.
Feeling strangeness
Silence was deafening, and noise was the only peace. To communicate with Allah, and to pray, I felt strangeness when there was silence accompanied by peace as my heart turned to my Lord.
Working to please myself, would've only given me peace in this life, but just the mere intention of doing things for the sake of Allah, would preserve this life and the next.
Other young Muslims who were once with me have lost the strangeness
Five years have passed since that epiphanous age of mine and now I find my brothers and sisters, who had commenced the search with me are now leaving the Deen.
The folds of Islam are not satisfactory any more. When I ask them why their only answer is that Islam did not give anything back to them as a social system as a community. It did not feed their needs and their spiritual thirst. It had to do with the harshness of other Muslims.
I wonder about this a lot since it affects my faith as well as the faith of those who say it. Even though Allah has created us and has preferred us as a Jamaah the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) still acknowledged the time when there would be people struggling alone for righteousness.
And the only answer I can come up with is that this world is mostly a sowing ground. We can't reap everything here. That's why there is a day of accountability which will restore justice and mercy.
The strangeness does go away
Now as I struggle to maintain my Islam, I find practicing my faith in this world feels strange only so long as I surround myself with worldly things and people. When I turn to Allah's creation, I feel the strangeness fade away.
If nature, as it is subservient to the Will of the Creator, has harmony when the wind blows and rustles its leaves, I don't see why our souls and hearts can't move to the same command.
In our time, and our part of the world, if nothing is strange and nothing immoral, I guess it's only good then, if we feel connected to the strange.
'Good tidings for the strangers.'
Friday, 4 March 2011
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Sunday, 27 February 2011
Can 'Love' Ever Spell Doom In A Marriage?
It's the most basic ingredient in a marriage. And yet if love isn't 'true', it can spell doom for a marriage.
Love (Ishq )
A marriage sans love - is that even conceivable? Before you blurt out your almost predictable answer - 'Of course not!' - hold on a minute... not all couples who enter into arranged marriages 'love' each other in every sense of the word.
Quite the contrary. Most often, such would-be partners know of and appreciate a few character traits and the appearance of their potential spouse, and liking what they see (and know) they feel emboldened to take the plunge. Marriages sans 'Ishq '
So - in a sense, the gushing, over-exuberant kind of love is often conspicuous by its absence from arranged marriages. Even so, many such unions last a lifetime, perhaps because the partners enter into it with limited expectations from each other!
On the other hand, love marriages often fizzle out if the undying love partners profess for each other isn't true love. In other words, there is love... but not the kind that can sustain a marriage.
Reena and Suresh, met and fell head over heels in love with each other while supervising juniors on the floor of their BPO!
Situational love
At the time, they both worked a night-shift. Invariably, coffee breaks at regular intervals during the night and traveling back home at the break of dawn worked their magic on this good-looking twosome.
Now even though office romances are usually frowned upon in the corporate world, since Reena and Suresh had impeccable records and came clean with their feelings for each other, the company agreed to let them continue in their jobs with the proviso that they agreed to work different shifts in future. In other words, the company didn't want to encourage them to continue to mix romance with office work!
At the time, this hardly seemed a problem. They were ecstatic about being allowed to continue with their jobs post-marriage. The high lasted well into their first few months together. It was round about the fourth month of their marriage that cracks in their togetherness made an appearance.
Love - the foundation of any marriage
'Issues' - such as who gets to work when, the sharing of chores, spending time together (now only possible at week-ends), and so on became reasons to row. Worse still, inspite of the bickering, the issues were not resolved but carried forward.
Soon enough, 'issues' dominated their every conversation. To the point that it appeared to Reena and Suresh that the love they shared had evaporated, in the face of the pressures of everyday living. Full to the brim with negative vibes for each other, the two decided to opt out of their union stating irreconcilable differences.
They thought that they had entered into marriage too soon, without thinking through the little aspects of everyday living so as to ensure that they were wholly compatible.
However much they believed in this being the reason for their marriage to fail, is it true that not talking over things enough was cause for the sorry state of affairs they found themselves in? ...And the basis of love, what should that be?
In truth, while a couple should talk over some major matters that are likely to come up in the course of their married life - such as desiring children, career expectation and the like - it is impossible to predict and go over every potential 'issue' in advance.
In fact, that is neither what love nor a marriage is about. While love is undoubtedly the foundation of marriage, what is the basis of love?
Given the selfish age we live in, it is unlikely for a couple to love each other unconditionally. Nevertheless, love does imply a desire to be with a person and hence, require an inherent willingness to accept each others faults and adjust to circumstances.
Now apply this to Reena and Suresh - what they thought was love, was more their enjoyment or love for the romantic situation they found themselves in. This weaker sibling of true love often comes across as love in the first instance, but is way too weak to sustain a marriage as it fades with time. So as Reena and Suresh realised, once their 'love' had taken the backseat, their minds closed to potential solutions to issues that had cropped up in their marriage - such as switching firms so as to both be in a day job or whatever. Let's just say that no thanks to their solely fun-based perception of love, their egos became overly fragile when faced with marital teething problems!
So you see - true love is a pre-requisite for marriage, anything less signals the end of the road for married partners.
Love (Ishq )
A marriage sans love - is that even conceivable? Before you blurt out your almost predictable answer - 'Of course not!' - hold on a minute... not all couples who enter into arranged marriages 'love' each other in every sense of the word.
Quite the contrary. Most often, such would-be partners know of and appreciate a few character traits and the appearance of their potential spouse, and liking what they see (and know) they feel emboldened to take the plunge. Marriages sans 'Ishq '
So - in a sense, the gushing, over-exuberant kind of love is often conspicuous by its absence from arranged marriages. Even so, many such unions last a lifetime, perhaps because the partners enter into it with limited expectations from each other!
On the other hand, love marriages often fizzle out if the undying love partners profess for each other isn't true love. In other words, there is love... but not the kind that can sustain a marriage.
Reena and Suresh, met and fell head over heels in love with each other while supervising juniors on the floor of their BPO!
Situational love
At the time, they both worked a night-shift. Invariably, coffee breaks at regular intervals during the night and traveling back home at the break of dawn worked their magic on this good-looking twosome.
Now even though office romances are usually frowned upon in the corporate world, since Reena and Suresh had impeccable records and came clean with their feelings for each other, the company agreed to let them continue in their jobs with the proviso that they agreed to work different shifts in future. In other words, the company didn't want to encourage them to continue to mix romance with office work!
At the time, this hardly seemed a problem. They were ecstatic about being allowed to continue with their jobs post-marriage. The high lasted well into their first few months together. It was round about the fourth month of their marriage that cracks in their togetherness made an appearance.
Love - the foundation of any marriage
'Issues' - such as who gets to work when, the sharing of chores, spending time together (now only possible at week-ends), and so on became reasons to row. Worse still, inspite of the bickering, the issues were not resolved but carried forward.
Soon enough, 'issues' dominated their every conversation. To the point that it appeared to Reena and Suresh that the love they shared had evaporated, in the face of the pressures of everyday living. Full to the brim with negative vibes for each other, the two decided to opt out of their union stating irreconcilable differences.
They thought that they had entered into marriage too soon, without thinking through the little aspects of everyday living so as to ensure that they were wholly compatible.
However much they believed in this being the reason for their marriage to fail, is it true that not talking over things enough was cause for the sorry state of affairs they found themselves in? ...And the basis of love, what should that be?
In truth, while a couple should talk over some major matters that are likely to come up in the course of their married life - such as desiring children, career expectation and the like - it is impossible to predict and go over every potential 'issue' in advance.
In fact, that is neither what love nor a marriage is about. While love is undoubtedly the foundation of marriage, what is the basis of love?
Given the selfish age we live in, it is unlikely for a couple to love each other unconditionally. Nevertheless, love does imply a desire to be with a person and hence, require an inherent willingness to accept each others faults and adjust to circumstances.
Now apply this to Reena and Suresh - what they thought was love, was more their enjoyment or love for the romantic situation they found themselves in. This weaker sibling of true love often comes across as love in the first instance, but is way too weak to sustain a marriage as it fades with time. So as Reena and Suresh realised, once their 'love' had taken the backseat, their minds closed to potential solutions to issues that had cropped up in their marriage - such as switching firms so as to both be in a day job or whatever. Let's just say that no thanks to their solely fun-based perception of love, their egos became overly fragile when faced with marital teething problems!
So you see - true love is a pre-requisite for marriage, anything less signals the end of the road for married partners.
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